I'm so sorry you are hurting so much!! You have definitely found the place to come for support and understanding. Read as much as you can on this forum. As you can see, there are many people here who love more than one person. I am a woman, 53 years old and in love with 5 men. I have known these men for 12 years, 10 years, 9 years, 2 years and 1 year. They all know about one another and they all know and like one another (except the newest one- he hasn't met anyone else yet because I'm not sure if he will be around for the long term)
I wanted to comment on something you said. You said that you can't cancel the marriage. Can't means won't. There is no such reason why a person "can't" cancel a marriage.
Also- I worked in a ministry for 5 years for people dealing with grief after divorce and I will tell you this....it is very devastating. The only thing every one of the divorced people had in common was that they had doubts even when they were walking down the aisle. Do not enter a marriage where you have doubts. Trust me, it's not worth it.
You did not share you age with us (or at least I didn't see it) so I'm going to assume you are young. Maybe you could take a few deep breaths and realize that you have a whole life ahead of you. There is absolutely no reason that you have to rush into a marriage at this time.
My lifestyle is a result of many years of
1- knowing what I want
2- believing I deserve it
3- talking to the people I love about it
4- being patient
I'd like to share one more thing with you, something that happened after a party at my house. The evening ended and only Richard and Charles were left (two of my lovers) We all cleaned up the kitchen and talked for over an hour about what all had transpired at the party.
It was getting time to go to bed and the question was in the air of who would sleep with me and who would sleep in the guest bedroom. There was no answer for that in my mind. I wasn't’t comfortable with one of them being in the guest bedroom and probably would’t be able to sleep knowing one of them was in there and one with me.
So- I asked if we could all sleep in my bedroom. They both know how picky I am about having the left side of the bed where I have my lamp, clock, book, water, earplugs etc. So- the question they both had was “Who would sleep where” so I said “Me in the middle, of course!”
I said “If anyone wakes up with a hard on, please insert it”….. OMG…..It took me about 45 minutes to get to sleep while I held my earplugs in my hand and listened to each of them snore in their own way! I was so happy and just thrilled. For a while there I was scared I would’t be able to sleep at all due to the excitement of having them there with me. They get along so good too and enjoy each other’s company so much! Charles did wake me up and oblige my request and then we went back to sleep.
We woke up and Richard asked if I remembered how to make the homemade waffles we used to make (back in the days when we were in a monogamous relationship and spent a lot of time together). I said- sure but we needed a few items. Charles volunteered to go to the grocery store. It’s quite a production, but they sat at the bar and we talked and shared and laughed while I made the waffles. The last 3 waffles are always the best, so I made a whole batch, but waited until the end before serving the perfect waffles which were crispy on the outside, but very soft…they just melted in your mouth! It was awesome to be able to share the morning with them after a night with them!!
I know that might seem impossible to you, but I'm just saying....it really happened!!!!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.