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Old 08-06-2010, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by YamZenitram View Post
It isn't just the lying - Jen doesn't believe in polyamory, and she frequently talks about how jealous she is of me and how Stephen is the most amazing, beautiful man she's ever met. Stephen has told Jen directly that he doesn't want anything more than a casual relationship, and Jen says that she's okay with that. Nevertheless, I'm a little worried that she'll do something to hurt Stephen, such as telling her husband about the affair. Maybe that's completely irrational and irrelevant.
She sounds like a poacher. Given that she's not poly and not happy in her own relationship, her instinct would tell her that if he's having relationships on the side (even though you know about it) then he's not happy in his relationship either, and she's just waiting for things to fall apart so she can make her move.

In your opinion, when is it okay for the "other" partner to intervene?
This is a good question in general. My opinion is that it's okay for the other partner to intervene whenever there's a possibility it will affect your life, including the effect that his angst will have on you when shit hits the fan.

Originally Posted by YamZenitram View Post
redpepper, you bring up another concern I left out - that casual sex isn't poly.
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Of course he just wants this to be casual, so it might not be worth it. In that case you seem to have an "open" relationship rather than poly, and there are some differences with that.
I just want to point out the difference between "wanting this relationship to be casual" and "only wanting casual (sexual) relationships". In the first case, it could be that he's already identified the risk of her cheating and her inability to handle poly, so he doesn't want to make this relationship anything more than casual. That does not preclude him from wanting some other relationship to be more than casual. So whether or not it's an "open relationship" vs "poly" depends a lot on whether this is his general preference for other relationships, or for this relationship in particular.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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