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Old 08-06-2010, 06:12 AM
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bimblynim bimblynim is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oxford (uk )
Posts: 62
Default situation update

Hey

Thanks for the empathy and suggestions, SchrodingersCat, also you reminded me i haven't updated the progress.

using this vent was really helpful for me cool down and help me crystalise my thinking. Also its been a time where I've learned alot about my emotional needs
(hadn't really considered them before)
Anyhows

I met up with Q (another girls night member) she is also upset that X and Y don't want to do girls night any more, so we've decided to start a "friendly night" (run on same lines but as we have the chance to reform ourselfs udating "rules" to include blokes, starting with I, who's Q's partner and also a good friend of mine) and take it from there, win! . Z who's the fith origional G's night member said she'll continue attending sporadically - so that's really nice

With X, having had the chance to cool down, still a bit disapointed she hadn't contacted me, i texted her (she went on holiday couple of days after our last meeting) and let her know that due to a difference in styles (and my personal situation) I feel insecure about our friendship and that it would help me to believe that she cares about me it she could make a note in her diary to initiate contact with me at least once a month, but if she preferred not that would be fine. I feel this puts the ball in her court. She texted back saying it hadn't occured to her I was upset and v appologetic, and that we'll see each other when she gets back. So feeling hopeful about this. And to be honest now i've processed it I can be more detatched from it by recognising our differences.

"Rather than waiting for her to come with a problem, what about being proactive? Find a time when she doesn't have an overwhelming problem, and talk to her about how you're feeling and how the relationship feels one-sided, see if she has any feelings about that or was even remotely aware."

You were totaly right there!

In my case, I'm aware that I don't often make an initiative to make plans with my friends. I've even mentioned it to friends before, so that they don't take it as me not liking them. If one of them were to tell me they need more of an effort on my part, I would make more of an effort. I would put reminders on my calendar to call them once a week and invite them over for coffee

I think X is like you, i hope so


"This, unfortunately, is just one of those things that happens as you get older. Your friends start pairing off and starting families. Their priorities change. When you're the only single person left in your group of friends, it's easy to feel bummed out. So go out and find some younger friends who have a while to go before they pair off, and who will appreciate your age and experience."

I appriciate the sentiment, but i think for me a better solution is to continue nuturing my current friendships and finding a LTR of my own to settle into (and horray for polyamory for showing me an LTR style that doesn't give me the screaming heeby-geebys!) my concern is if i'm continually looking for people who are (mono emotionally and single) i will continually be dissapointed as they "move on" - not really what i want.

The majority of my friends are what i think of as polyaffectionate in that they can have very close reciprocal friendships in addition to their pramary relationship, that fullfill different needs.

I think X was closest to me when she single because of HER attachment style, (serial monogamist) i was a substitute partner for Her whilst she was single, but although it was nice she didn't fulfill the same role for me, she can only feel really close to one person at a time, she has moved on to find her bf which is brilliant, and i accept she can't care about me as much as she once did. Its sad because my emotions are the same, but i recognise that we are different and that she does still care about me but in a different way. This is prob all good practice for when i do find my poly relationship

Thanks again for kind thoughts and perspective sharing

Nim
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