View Single Post
Old 08-06-2010, 05:43 AM
cruftnot's Avatar
cruftnot cruftnot is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 10

Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
It doesn't sound to me from your story that she's waffling; it sounds like she's pretty clear that she would prefer a monogamous relationship and is putting up with the minimum possible amount of openness that keeps you going.
The waffling isn't about whether she would like a poly relationship -- she prefers monogamy. The waffling is about what level of opening up she can be happy with. (Please note: "be happy" and not "put up").

Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
I think that the interesting question here is "Why are you agreeing to things that make you seriously consider ending the relationship?"
Why indeed? I don't know. There have been multiple times when "mis-communication" about boundaries made me the bad guy. The most extreme recent one was when I was considering getting involved with G, and was asking N for permission to embark on this new relationship. Purely by chance, G came over while I was online with N -- and N thanked her, to her face, on video, for her "extracurricular" involvement with me. Later on N claimed that she was against it the entire time, but at least this time the woman I was dating had direct evidence that I'm not cheating, and that my claim that N flip-flopped on me is reasonably supported by the facts.

Your question is a very apt one. I agree to such things very grudgingly because I am well aware of the caustic effects they can have over time; N seems unable to plan for her future emotional happiness. It makes having a positive and supporting relationship very difficult.

Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
I'd suggest that the time to end things is when both of you sit down to talk with the purpose of doing the right thing for the marriage (instead of this push-pull around the how open question where you're on opposite sides of an issue) and realise that you're at an irreconcilable impasse.

My understanding is that the marriage counsellor visit is still to come, right? I'd recommend putting off any big decisions until after you give that a chance.
We've been to three marriage counsellors. You may call them the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. It is very difficult to find good counsellors who are poly-friendly or at least unbiased, and the search is quite expensive and draining. Good is far far away -- in the same town we used to live in, where G and K remain. I spoke with her during my last visit (at N's behest); she didn't sound optimistic.

After Bad and Ugly, N and I decided we're causing more harm to our marriage by trying these buffoons than by working things out with each other directly. Instead, N found a good therapist for herself (she has PTSD and was working through some anger management issues), and I spent an enormous amount of time laying out everything going on between us in writing -- because N can respond much more calmly to the written word.

Is there anyone here who considered or had a divorce because they were poly with a monogamous spouse or a spouse with a stiflingly restrictive view of poly?
If so -- how did you make your decision to stay or go?
Are you happy with it in retrospect?

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-06-2010 at 04:24 PM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote