Originally Posted by cruftnot
being poly with a mono spouse who has been waffling for years regarding the poly lifestyle - how long is too long to wait for things to change for the better?
It doesn't sound to me from your story that she's waffling; it sounds like she's pretty clear that she would prefer a monogamous relationship and is putting up with the minimum possible amount of openness that keeps you going.
I think that the interesting question here is "Why are you agreeing to things that make you seriously consider ending the relationship?" I'd suggest that the time to end things is when both of you sit down to talk with the purpose of doing the right thing for the marriage (instead of this push-pull around the how open question where you're on opposite sides of an issue) and realise that you're at an irreconcilable impasse.
My understanding is that the marriage counsellor visit is still to come, right? I'd recommend putting off any big decisions until after you give that a chance.