I had wrote a note before i read your reply Red pepper but I feel its the same page, I thought about this all afternoon consumed with it while he slept ( he's on midnight shift)
This is my note to him to go over when he gets up from his nap before he heads to work.
"I feel as long as she's lying to her husband/family that you should email her & say that if she ever comes clean about her secret life to her husband & they either divorce or change to a poly relationship then you regrettably have to cut contact with her. He may not know at this point but in good conscience you cannot be with her in any way, no text or emails. do you really want to be one of 9 that helped destroy her marriage and hurt her kids?
She is obviously unhappy for many years in her life & you shouldn't be part of the complications that allow her to think this is ok to do.She should talk to her husband about her desires and how she feels in their marriage now, maybe they will divorce maybe they will open up and find a life they enjoy together and apart as we do. he may not react like you did but she won't know until she TALKS to him!!
So at this point I feel all contact should end but if her relationship status did change I would be ok with her contacting you and revisiting the idea still no guarantee I would agree to her as a partner.
I would really prefer a person(s) that we can hang out at all times with families but have our side perk still kept discrete .
I am sorry I feel this way but nothing will change it, what we have is different it is not an AFFAIR, we wouldn't be the couple we are without our trust, openness and honesty so here i am putting it all out there.
You will find a woman that suits our lifestyle and is ok with it, yes it could take time but I am here along the way and just feel that continuing on with her goes against all we believe and stand for in our home."
so now to wait till he reads it, but I think I got everything across I wanted to and I know he won't go against my wishes and will not pursue her any further but I still want to hear his thoughts...then read his good bye email which I offered to help write as well
thank you for the blunt and honest replies, its what I want and expect when I come here, not a sugar coated reply that is not my style...be real and make me see all sides as sometimes I know I don't, so thank you!