Scared and confused.
I neglected to read the sticky at the top of this forum regarding what constitutes an intro. Please move to the appropriate forum.
I think I'm polyamorous.
I am one of those people who, due to the beliefs imposed upon me by the church, waited until I was married to have sex. I was always taught that sex was some magical thing that brought two souls together as one. I wanted that, so I waited. Because of this, I never allowed myself to explore my sexuality. I never got to discover who I was sexually until after I had married.
I've always been one to be on the friendlier side with women than men. With women I can open up and be myself. With men, it's the complete opposite. All of my closest friends are, and have always been, women. The relationships I form with them are, for a select few, far stronger than your normal friendship. I have crossed the bounds into love with them and openly tell them so.
After having been married for several years, I find that monogamy isn't the lifestyle I'm best suited for. I do enjoy being married and love my wife very much, but the idea of limiting my love to just one person for the rest of my life isn't appealing to me. I have come to realize that for that select group of lady friends, I feel just as much love for them as I do my wife. The select few, as well as my wife, have been in my life for years and years. You can't know someone for the better part of a decade or longer and not develop feelings for them. I'm sorry. You just can't.
I've been researching alternative lifestyles for I'm guessing a good year now. Swinging appealed to me because it seemed that was what I wanted. It wasn't though. I wanted more than just casual sex. I wanted an actual relationship. I say I think I'm polyamorous because I have deep, meaningful relationships with these women. We talk often. We share. We seek advice from one another. And yes, we flirt. The only difference between these women and my wife is that I'm legally bound to my wife and I'm only having sex with her.
The only thing that keeps me from sleeping with these other women is respect for my wife and her wishes. To her, marriage is meant for one man and one woman, to be monogamous, for ever and ever. Period. One is to only have feelings for his or her spouse and no one else. I've been with her for over a decade and try as I might through all those years to supress my feelings, I have failed.
I'm not saying I want to go out and have sex with other women; I'm simply saying I have strong emotional ties to them and I'm tired of denying it. I'm tired of telling my wife I'm "just friends" with this woman or that woman. I want to be able to tell her the truth. However, if I tell her the truth, I fear she will leave.
I came across polyamory around the beginning of the year and the more and more I read into it, the more it seems to fit the lifestyle I secretly live. To make things fall into place for me, a friend popped up out of nowhere just this past month and revealed her polyamory to me. This was completely out of the blue and unsolicited. In talking to her, I have been able to further reinforce my stance on the issue.
This new friend expressed interest in sharing with me and I agreed. Not in the sense of "hey, come over and screw me" but "hey, here I am. Just letting you know". She's interested in pic swapping and having mutual masturbation sessions over webcam, but I declined. When I told her that I wanted to build a solid personal relationship with her and let things evolve as they may, she surprised me by completely agreeing and telling me that's exactly what she wanted. In the meantime, I'm treating my friendship with her just as any of my others with those of the "select few". And we're both happy with that.
My problem is, I believe I'm a polyamorous man stuck in a strictly monogamous marriage. I'm not going to do do anything behind my wife's back because, as I said earlier, I have too much respect for her to do so. I wouldn't want to be cheated on, therefore I refuse to cheat on her. Should she give me permission on the other hand, well that's a different story.
I've tried to bring up the subject before by dropping hints here and there, but she's the type that just doesn't get it unless you spell it out. We were joking around once about who she was texting at such a late hour (it was her brother-in-law asking about our schedule for the weekend so we could see our niece and nephew) when I asked "who is that, your boyfriend?" She turned around and joked back "yeah." I forgot what else was said, but I ended the covnersation by flat out telling her that I didn't care if she had a boyfriend. The look she gave me was one of both being puzzled by my statement and "yeah, right". At least I got it out there in that sense.
I honestly, truly don't care if my wife were to see other people. It doesn't bother me a bit. And while I'm speaking truthfully, it wouldn't bother me to see her make love to another man. My only caveat is that he not be "just some guy" but someone that she has true feelings for. One of the "select few" has expressed interest in being with me should for some reason my wife and I split. She shares exactly the same views I do about polyamory and desires to live that life with me. I know, because of my wife's beliefs, that it will ultimately be the end of my marriage.
What do I do? How do I come out? Do I risk opening up and telling my wife what's going on with me and possibly losing her or do I continue to keep it all in and spend the rest of my life living a lie and denying my true self?
Confused and scared, somewhere in America.
Last edited by CyrusTheVirus; 07-31-2010 at 04:15 PM.