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Old 07-31-2010, 02:16 PM
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bimblynim bimblynim is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oxford (uk )
Posts: 62
Default friendships - sad vent - posible link mono v poly styles

I have been banging my head for a while agaist the wall of a friend X who I'm coming to see as unconsiously selfish. She comes to me for support and I like helping her but she is very restricted in her world view and distances herself from people with problems she doesn't understand/ can't relate too whilst they're having them, this includes me and makes me feel somewhat rejected. I think she does care about me to a point but not as much as i would like her to. I'm not sure how to deal with this.

Brining things to a head. We wth a couple of others (all the girls but me are in hetro mono relationships) have had "girls night" meeting for dinner every week or so for the past couple of years and I have loved girls night and the emotional support I've gotten from it. Last night X and y (one of the others girls) told me they don't want to do girls night any more and basicly they've only been keeping it going the last few months because its important to me. y wants to stop because of some personality clashes and x because she thinks co-ordinating our admittedly busy schrdules as a group is too much bother. They both would rather meet up individually. I have to accept their feelings, but I am really sad about it. There are two issues

1) i really like the supportive group perspective, maybe this is a poly vs mono issue? they like to have friendships seperate, i like the criss crossing? Has anyone else noticed this with friendships/ friendship groups?

2) it gives our friendships a framework, I don't really believe that they will be bothered to keep in touch with me, because they have bfs and busy lives and generally i'm always the person who initiates meet ups. I think they enjoy them, they generally accept and we have fun. but if thats the case why don't they initiate them? am I just kidding myself?

since they told me Y has been supportive and indicated that she's still there for me, its the shape of the dynamic that doesn't work for her, this reassures me that she cares about me

X hasn't been in touch at all, this hurts me, on the one side she claims to care about me but I'm not sure she does, i think see trusts me which is nice but different. needless to say i care a lot about her. Part of me wants to explain my needs to her, that i want her to listen to and care about me and support me thru this transitonary time in my life, but i suspect that if its not freely offered its not something she can give. What do you think?

Also I'm confused about how to react next time she comes to me with a problem (i don't think she'll contact me otherwise) the hurt part of me wants to tell her too F O, but thats not particularly positive, or how i wan't to be. but don't want to be used :0(

Anyhow, I spose I'll get over it, i will try to estabish a new group situation and culivate my friendships with people who can show that they care about me/give be what i need as well as vice virsa, i've found writing this has helped sort it out abit in my head, so thanks for reading and thoughts appriciated
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