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Old 07-28-2010, 09:16 PM
jbird jbird is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Given your "20 people a day" comment, I think Mr. Savage is being unfairly maligned here.
It's funny that people are offended about that line. I thought it was a proven fact that most people do this more or less constantly. I could be wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Wait, isn't she your ex-? Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I don't see why this is at all relevant; you know exactly what it is like to be in a relationship with her, so why even bring this up?
I was pointing out the history of cheating, and I why I had effectively written it off as insignificant. Also, I was wondering if it's possible to confuse cheating for would-be polyamory - not that I think they're the same.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
In your example the difference is that a "polyamorous person" wants a relationship style in which they can have mutliple romantic partners, whereas the "monogamous person" is choosing not to chase after a random person that they'd like to have sex with.
Is it possible that I, too, am polyamorous, but prefer not to practice it? I don't see any difference between polyamory and my own experience, which I thought was typical. It's just that it all sounds like a hot mess to me, and that kind of intense confrontation with volatile emotional content is not the kind of therapy I prefer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Look, I don't think it matters whether it is "hard-coded" or not; this biological determinism stuff seems to me to be missing the point. But if it helps you (or her) to think of it that way, then you should absolutely do so.
You're probably right. I was trying to determine if this is something that can be worked out, or is going to be a persistent, unsolvable problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
She's telling you that she has a preference (whatever the origin of that preference) for a poly- relationship. You have a different preference. One of you will not be in the kind of relationship that you want. But she's also telling you that is not a dealbreaker for her. She may be wrong about that! But nobody here is going to be able to tell you whether or not that's the case.
Good point. I think that's the most succinct translation of what she is telling me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Sounds to me like you're already committed to the move, so that means you are just going to find out sooner or later whether or not this relationship is going to work. Given that, my advice is to have some serious conversations about what would make things work well for both of you. For example, if (or, more likely, when) she finds herself having romantic feelings for someone else, what do you want to have happen? For her to never have any contact with that person again? For her to tell you, or not? Work out this sort of stuff in advance, and make sure that you're both agreeing to things that you can actually live with.
Hm. What's perplexing me now, further, is the idea that polyamory means wanting multiple relationships. Whereas for her I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. she just wants to be able to have sex with someone else. I'm not sure which one is better - for me. If either.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I'm still listening.
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