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Old 07-28-2010, 08:40 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbird View Post
Now, everything I know about polyamory I learned from Dan Savage.
Given your "20 people a day" comment, I think Mr. Savage is being unfairly maligned here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jbird View Post
I know she has been in only abusive relationships in the past, and only with incompetent lovers.
Wait, isn't she your ex-? Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I don't see why this is at all relevant; you know exactly what it is like to be in a relationship with her, so why even bring this up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jbird View Post
So, I guess, my questions are: What is the difference between the average monogamous person who foregoes acting on their sexual impulses, and chooses to remain monogamous, and a polyamorous person? Is it a choice? Is it a hard-coded fact of someone's psychological make-up?
In your example the difference is that a "polyamorous person" wants a relationship style in which they can have mutliple romantic partners, whereas the "monogamous person" is choosing not to chase after a random person that they'd like to have sex with.

Look, I don't think it matters whether it is "hard-coded" or not; this biological determinism stuff seems to me to be missing the point. But if it helps you (or her) to think of it that way, then you should absolutely do so.

She's telling you that she has a preference (whatever the origin of that preference) for a poly- relationship. You have a different preference. One of you will not be in the kind of relationship that you want. But she's also telling you that is not a dealbreaker for her. She may be wrong about that! But nobody here is going to be able to tell you whether or not that's the case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jbird View Post
Until a few days ago, our conversations were about marriage and children. I signed an employment contract. I signed a lease. I donated most of my belongings. I don't want to sweep this under the rug. I would love some perspective from someone a little more clearheaded than me right now.
Sounds to me like you're already committed to the move, so that means you are just going to find out sooner or later whether or not this relationship is going to work. Given that, my advice is to have some serious conversations about what would make things work well for both of you. For example, if (or, more likely, when) she finds herself having romantic feelings for someone else, what do you want to have happen? For her to never have any contact with that person again? For her to tell you, or not? Work out this sort of stuff in advance, and make sure that you're both agreeing to things that you can actually live with.
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