An Affair to Dismember?
For the first time and just in the last few weeks, my boyfriend of 3 years (Stephen) started seeing someone else (Jen). They have a great connection - but Jen is married with two kids. She says her and her husband don't sleep together - they don't even sleep in the same room. Yet she refuses to tell her husband about Stephen. She doesn't work, so maybe she's afraid she'll lose her kids in a divorce. But the lying makes me uncomfortable.
Part of me wants to ask Stephen to break up with Jen. It isn't just the lying - Jen doesn't believe in polyamory, and she frequently talks about how jealous she is of me and how Stephen is the most amazing, beautiful man she's ever met. Stephen has told Jen directly that he doesn't want anything more than a casual relationship, and Jen says that she's okay with that. Nevertheless, I'm a little worried that she'll do something to hurt Stephen, such as telling her husband about the affair. Maybe that's completely irrational and irrelevant.
Am I overreacting? I don't want to make waves for no good reason, especially since this is our first time out there. I don't want Stephen to think that I'm only doing this because I'm jealous, or because I changed my mind about polyamory. Should I leave this decision up to Stephen? In your opinion, when is it okay for the "other" partner to intervene?
Just looking for some perspective!