I know.....I have felt that he is very inconsistent and non-commital. I have poured so much time and energy into understanding the situation and trying to change my attitude and be mindful and open to the situation.
This has been really hard for me. And my heart hurts that this may have all been in vain because maybe the reality is that he doesn't want a committed relationship with me at all. In fact many signs seem to point to that very thing.....*sigh*
Except that whenever I have had enough and I tell him I want to end it because I can't take it anymore, he talks me into staying - he says we can't just run away from these problems, we have to stay and work them out. We could have a really great thing....Only as I type that I think "you mean YOU could have a really great thing?".
He has gotten everything he wants out of our relationship. I have made requests and gotten almost nothing. He is asking this HUGE thing from me - to allow him to be poly and establish relationships with other women.
In return, all I want is honesty and to feel like a priority. Like I am #1. He says he won't rate people in order of importance. That's nice and all, but that means that even though I have a lot of my spirit invested in this relationship, the girl he is "dating" is equal to me?
She has virtually nothing invested in this. She has a main man that she lives with and spends most of her time with - they have a child together. All my bf is to her is an "extra". If they were in love and establishing a special bond together, that would be different. But that's not the case - because they don't spend special time together or anything. They just hang out at the roller rink while she practices and have coffee once in a while.
No, I'm wrong - it hasn't been in vain. I have learned so much. I have learned about myself, and continue to learn about what loving is.
Loving is handling someone's heart in a careful, considerate way. Love is stopping what you are doing to turn and listen to your loved one while looking them in the face (and remembering the conversation later).
Love is anticipating how they might feel and taking steps to safeguard their feelings. Love is not doing things you KNOW would hurt the other person. Love is taking a step back from your own desires and giving time to your loved one to catch up with you and adjust to changes.
Love is desiring to be with someone in the physical realm, as well as the spiritual. Love is also taking time for yourself to engage in whatever your heart desires but minding how it might affect your lover (if at all).
I feel sadly happy right now, hah. I don't know that my bf will ever understand all of this. But the good thing is that I have paved the way for myself to be far more open in future relationships, regardless if this one works out or not.
Thank you all for being here. Your wisdom has proven invaluable to me. I am so grateful! I have a deep respect for the poly community (those who practice it honestly, heh heh) and the struggles and considerations it takes to make it successful. Kudos to all of you.