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Old 07-26-2010, 08:33 AM
Tomte Tomte is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 3
Default How to react? I am Poly and live in a closed relationship and got cheated.

Hello everybody,

thank you allready in advance for reading and an advice in my situation.

I connect this thread together with my first mandatory post of "hello Iīm new". =)

I am from northern Germany and 21. Travelled around the world and I am back know in my hometown and work till I stark study. I am in a good knowledge about polyamory and I want to start relationships in the future as poly, but further no practical experience yet. Unfortunately there is almost no community in my hometown. So I am on my own and have to be patient to find some people, but doesnīt matter.

I am in a relationship at the moment with a wonderful woman. She is not poly and does not want to become it. She doesnīt know a lot about polyamory and is conservative in this aspect. She will go to New Zealand in 2 month for a year and we wonīt continue our relationship active, certainly we will keep a close contact to each other. She knows that I am poly, but she is giving me all I need right now, and I donīt have the desire to meet more women. I am fully in love with her. I gave her the option to meet other man and promised her to be faithful. Wrong I know, but I did it with the expectation that she is refusing the option and she did. Well, we are together now just 2 month. Last weekend she was quite drunk and she kissed my best friend for a half a minute and left him afterwards with a immediate bad conscience. I knew that they have a high sympathy for each other, but believed in the platonic relationship in this case. Ok.....2 hours ago she told me about it or rather she wrote me a letter and apologized etc. I left afterwards and drove home to think about it, it told her that polite and totally calm/

My first thought as soon as I finished the letter was weird for me. I was not angry, either jealous. I was just confused and unsure how to react. I donīt care about a little kiss, but in a closed relationship she broke the rules and cheated on me. I donīt know how to talk with my friend and her. I am not angry but for them I should be. Hold on, I am angry, yes, but just because she hurt my trust. We live mono for her and she is breaking it. She did it because she was drunk. Or perhaps more, maybe she can find herself in polyamory in the future and I can make with her now the first step? I tried to figure out her feelings for him, but she just said that she is sorry and it doesnīt have to do something with him, she is loving me and it was just wrong with no more background. But can this happen, without anything, she didnīt even enjoyed it. I like to kiss, but then I do it because of a high sympathy for this person, not just anyone, she canīt tell me that.
So no not really the right thing to get poly with her. But I have seriously to think about, if I still want to be with her in a closed relationship. I think about to make it to an open relationship. BUT now I just think about a solution for my reaction. Still Iīm fully in love with her and does not want to be with another girl currently. But I can feel a feeling of change in this opinion.

How to react? just being honest is right I think and say I donīt care, but do I not have to do anything. I wanna give this situation a more important role, hard to describe. what do you think?

The situation with my friend is different. He knows that I know what he did and he doesnīt have a clou about my poly thinking. In my community I canīt just say, donīt care. My image in the group is not in line with this reaction. And it could lead to further situation of disrespect. He absolutely disrespect me with that what he did and this is hard for me to handle too.

Ok I think the most is told. I thank you so much for an answer/advice. If you need more details for an opinion just ask. You can see, how I am writing, I am lost and can find a structure, either in this text nor in my thoughts.

Kind regards from Bremen

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