redpepper, thanks for the dose of reality. To paraphrase Adrian Monk, being a helper personality is a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that you're a lot more empathetic, the curse is that you don't know your own mind, and you have a habit of putting yourself last. And you always second-guess yourself. As I'm probably doing now.
EugenePoet, you're right that my wife was probably feeling down about something else and took it to this situation. Truth be told, I think she and H share that in common...actually, maybe B does too, based on what we've heard from the both of them since I last wrote. This is a rather odd turn of events for me, to have the highest self-esteem in any random group of four.
So we're going to meet up again, maybe this weekend, and I'll talk to H on his own if that happens. The one thing I'm very glad about is that my wife knows what I said here, that the only result I can't live with is losing her. I think that resonates. I don't know if I'll ever be able to think of her as "primary" and I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable with even casual polyamory (there I go again as Mr. Helper, not knowing my own mind). But knowing we'll be together is what I needed to hear most.