I would be very unhappy if my husband was keeping similar things from me and I don't see how wanting complete honesty from your partner is wanting to own them.
Thanks for your 2 cents, confused. Another illustration of how we are all different -my husband is not unhappy at all about not knowing whether, and who, I am in love with. He didn't ask. He doesn't find it relevant. Based on our 12 years together he definitely knows I would tell him if he asked. I would also tell him if it ever seems like he is unhappy not knowing. It's similar to how he feels about men in my past. I've asked him whether he would like to know who I've been with, and details about my past relationships, and his answer is just -if I feel like I need to tell him, but otherwise, probably not. He's a Be Here Now kind of guy.
Of course wanting complete honesty isn't wanting to own someone -sorry if I implied that. I see a difference between honesty (telling the truth, not trying to deceive) and loss of privacy. For example, if I choose not to share a fantasy about say, a grocery clerk who flirted with me, I'm not being dishonest. If I were to act on that fantasy, of course it would be dishonest to keep that to myself (but not dishonest to keep it from, say, my mother or my employees). So I suppose it all comes down to whether someone has the need or the right to know. My husband has the right to know who I love, but he doesn't apparently have the need, so unless he expresses that need (asking me or just seeming bothered), I don't feel dishonest in keeping that private.
As for those moments when my friend and I went a little beyond the boundaries of my marriage -I do feel bad not having told my husband yet. I think I will work my way towards that conversation. All the reading and writing I've done on this forum have helped me see the whole situation with much more clarity, so I think that I am getting closer to being able to know what to say, and how. Meanwhile, everyone here will just have to accept me as less than perfect, but striving in the right direction.