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Old 07-25-2010, 07:32 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 119
Default Criteria for New Partners

So there has been a lot of discussion going around lately about how poly women seem to have a lot of relationship options and that the name of the game is really just separating the wheat from the chaff.

For the purposes of this discussion, we'll assume the above statement has enough truth to merit some exploration.

With so many options, how does a woman decide what avenues to pursue? How does being poly differ from being single when you're choosing a new partner? What things do you have to take into consideration? Granted, some times lightning just strikes and you hit it off with someone instantly, but what do you do when you have potential and you are not sure whether to pursue it? What factors help you decide?

See, I feel that looking for, or being open to new partners is an entirely different position to be in now that I'm married. I have an existing relationship that is important to me, and another person's opinion that is important to me. Right off the bat I have criteria that are based on my desire to maintain and possibly enrich those existing connections.

When I was single and looking, I pretty much let my heart or my libido guide me. I didn't have much at risk, except for my own happiness and well-being, and those were easily preserved by making smart decisions once I had established a relationship.

I find that while I might still be open to lightning striking, I'm much more invested in weighing whether or not a person would be a good addition to my life than I was when I was single and willing to figure things out in situ.

I'm less in need of a stabilizing factor. I'm not looking for someone to contribute economically unless they wish to. I'm not feeling the pull of my biological clock since I already have a willing mate. I don't have to worry at this point about finding someone that I can compatibly live with. I'm not interested in people who don't have their own life and goals. I'm not looking to fix anyone broken or act as a crutch to someone dysfunctional.

The list goes on, but the bottom line is that I didn't really THINK about whether or not someone would make a good partner. It's like I wasn't even aware that I could have a vetting process for these people beyond whether or not it felt right. It's not that I didn't have standards, I just didn't think about what I wanted or needed before I got involved.

I'm sure some people would find this pre-judgment stifling, but in the context of my own life I feel a little forethought is a more mature outlook that will contribute more towards my happiness in the long run.

What are some things that you consider?
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