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Old 07-25-2010, 02:35 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,437
Default Starting my poly life

Hi there,

I have identified as poly for the past few years, more if you include the time when I didn't realise it had a name. I joined the forums a few months ago because I had developed feelings for another man than my husband and wasn't sure how to proceed.
Now, things have just taken a life on their own and I feel the need to share.

Little background: I am 25, female and straight, married to a straight 33 year old man. We've been married two years and together five years.

For these five years, I had felt some attraction to other males but no deep feelings, and I wanted to go slowly. My husband was insecure about my being poly, and for the past two years we had been discussing regularly about rules, how we'd proceed, things like that.
In March, I started to develop feelings for a 27 year old male (orientation unknown, but has had female exes). They grew stronger and stronger and I felt wonderful and terrible about it at the same time. I told my husband, who took the news in a "I knew that would happen someday" way that didn't reassure me.

On top of that, I had no idea how to go asking someone out when I'm already married. It is hard enough asking a guy out, but now I had the incertitude of whether he liked me + the incertitude of how accepting he would be of the situation. And of course I wanted to make sure my husband didn't feel bad or left out.

It was a hard time for me, between ecstasy and despair ("he doesn't like me" "it won't work out" "what if he asks me to leave my husband?" and so on).
Note that I wouldn't have left my husband, I just would have felt terrible if he either thought I was cheating of him or wanted me to choose.
At this point I should probably give them name for the sake of simplicity. I'll refer to my husband as Ian (because that's his name :P), and the man I like as T.

It kept going (by the way, I should mention that it was all online, as T lives in the US and I live in Canada. We were communicating on forums, emails, etc) and I wasn't really getting closer to T, I kept feeling like I was screwing up, etc. Ian was supportive but lost.

In the end of May met S, a coworker of T's. That's when it gets complicated So, I met S on IRC, with a few other coworker of T's. We talked and I soon found out he was poly. I told him I was, too, but didn't know how to proceed, and that I had fallen hard for one of his coworkers (but didn't tell him who). Since he had much more experience in poly relationships, although he was currently single, I asked if I could go to him for advice and he happily obliged.
For about a month I kept going to him every time I thought I had "screwed up" (sent an email to T I thought I shouldn't have, or if I hadn't seen T online in a while and was missing him, etc).

And something incredibly weird - to me - happened. I feel in love with S. Or I should say Sean. I was extremely confused. After so long not having feelings for anyone but my husband, in such a short amount of time I had developed them for not one, but two other men? And they worked together, too! that was weird.
Sean really liked me and knew I was poly, and I knew he was, so it was extremely simple and straightforward. There isn't really a point at which one of use asked the other out. We just slid slowly into being girlfriend and boyfriend.

I told Ian, embarrassed that he would think I was falling for everyone all the time at this point, but he took it extremely well. He said he had guessed that I was falling for Sean (incidentally, another friend told me so too. I guess I was the only one not to notice!) and that I was so happy it made him happy too.

Since then, I got much closer with Ian, who is living the whole situation wonderfully. I was always afraid he'd accept it because he had to, as he is mono, but it turns out he seems much happier too! I got the two of them to chat (online still) and they hit it off well, talking about... role-playing games >.> Apparently I wasn't even mentioned in their first conversation haha.
Then the three of us talked, and since then I've been feeling closer and closer to both of them. I love them both dearly, and they love me, and they get along, it's... incredible. I guess before I experienced it, I didn't think it could work that well...

I've already had a couple of arguments with Sean, but they barely lasted, and they're mostly due to the distance: we haven't met yet. We're hoping to before the end of the year, though.
I'm not sure how the long-distance relationship will, work, but so far it's wonderful.
Sean says he wants to "save himself for me" until we meet, as in, not start another relationship, which I think is very sweet of him, although I don't want to hold him up to it. I know how unexpectedly you can meet someone.

I still have feelings for T, but I'm in the middle of Sean-induced NRE so I'm more zen about it now. I'm still having some trouble believing it all. I'm very, very happy, and the best part is that both of them are too.

I wanted to share my story because it feels like a dream to me, although I'm sure it will seem familiar to a lot of you guys
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