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Old 07-24-2010, 03:31 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145

Welcome! I suspect there's a bit of a dichotomy between being a bi man looking for a couple and a bi woman doing the same. Others may correct me, but I suspect it's more common for a couple to want a female "unicorn" than to be looking for a male one. So, not knowing your gender, I only note the difference.

You're looking for a triad it sounds like and not seeking to be a secondary (labels, I know they are limiting and don't always fit, but people mostly know the terms so they're useful nouns) but it's not uncommon for a couple to accept a person only as a secondary in the beginning. They want to know how that person is going to fit into their relationship before opening to complete equality. And that's actually sensible from the other person't point of view as well; you wouldn't want to move in with a couple and then find out they are not who you thought.

With that in mind, you might take a look at the Proposed Secondary's Bill of Rights. Like these paragraphs:

If your true desire/need is to have (and be) a primary partner, but the only relationship your lover can offer is of a secondary nature, then you should probably figure out whether you can be happy in that role either temporarily or permanently.

For instance, it may be possible for the relationship to evolve into a primary (or co-primary) form over time -- but that does take time, and during that process, you will have to find a way to make peace with a role that is more secondary than you might prefer.

It's also possible that the relationship won't ever evolve out of secondary status -- is that something the you will be able to be happy with? It's very important for anyone entering a romantic relationship as a secondary to think carefully, and understand fully, what his or her expectations are--what is necessary for you to be happy, and will your relationship be able to give you that?
Food for thought. Good luck, and keep posting!
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