Originally Posted by DazednConfused
Ok, so still not sure how Im going to handle all of this, but I'm in need of some ettiquitte advice/opinions. My wife's boyfriend and I are starting to communicate (via facebook messages). A few conversations so far. I did ask her if I could contact him, she agreed happily. I did not tell her I actually did. I am of the mindset, that she can know that we talk, but not the details of our conversations. I want to keep communication open and honest, and I don't believe he, nor I, could do that worring about how the other would eventually relay the conversations back to her. Am I right?
ya no on that one for me... this is not a friendship you are creating in the traditional sense. It is much deeper and based on much deeper issues ie. you are intimate with the same woman knowingly. As you move along your conversation, which by the way I think is awesome! good for you!, it will become more evident that it is important to keep you wife in the loop as much as you can.
That being said, she doesn't need to know all the details. You can tell her that you talked about the cute mole on her neck, but not the details of it... does that make sense. She should not expect you to elaborate either. She can ask that you do, at which time you will have to check with him, but there should be no obligation to share the details... you are embarking on your own relationship with him. It needs to be treated as a similar thing as what he and she talk about... you would want to know, but not details either I would think?
Nerdist and I had a conversation about this the other week. He talks to roly quite often and I don't know what he talks about. I expect him to talk about his relationship with me and how that is going. I expect him to tell me how it is going with her. He hadn't at that point and I pointed out to him that his relationship to her is not a friendship. It's different all together. In monogamy one doesn't see this kind of thing... I wouldn't go and tell my best friend what is going on in my relationship because it isn't their business. Poly is different, info should be passed as much as possible, because you never know when you will need to talk about something.
Now that Nerdist does this I know what is happening with them and can support him when he needs me too. I don't have to catch up, I know already. So much easier and keeps everyone sane.