Be careful Mr. Helper that you don't help your way out of what you need and want.
Going the path of the least amount of any kind of emotion is not always the best path. Sometimes facing some stuff is the best path to more comfort and stability. It might be a good idea to check you intentions with this relationship and ask for your needs to be met regardless of what you "think" is going on for the others.
Your wife might be experiencing stuff she hasn't been known to for a number of years, but that doesn't mean you are the authority on her emotional life just because you are witnessing it. She is the keeper of everything in her life and it isn't up to you to look after her in your poly relationship. Its her responsibility. The sooner she starts being independant in this way the better for everyone.
Where you are at now, is the point that things change in that regard from what you experienced in monogamy. There becomes a separation in this way. Those that are brought into poly by their partner are pulled at this point, because they didn't sign up for a poly relationship and the independance it requires. The pull from mono to poly is difficult for sure. You two have chosen this together, you fair a better chance of getting your needs met because of it.
The good news is that you get to make yourself your primary and so does she, in doing so you will see each other differently and relate to the world differently. The time is now to work on what YOU would like and be honest with yourself and her about it. Encouraging the others to do the same will mean you will all be on the same page and moving forward together.
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