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Old 07-23-2010, 04:20 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Not near Cowley Road anymore, sadly
Posts: 41

That makes me smile. I'm not sure if I know the divisions on this forum (or if there even are any) but I know of similar places where certain subjects allow the "lion to lie down with the lamb." Then it's time to listen to what they're both saying.

I want to sit down and talk to H, but it's increasingly appearing that it won't happen. It seems that all of us are experiencing NRE, but only if you replace "New" with "Nervous" as the N. I think in various ways we're all feeling it: H is concerned that he'll lose B. B is concerned H is getting jealous. My wife S is starting to get concerned that B and H don't like us that much after all (despite some texts earlier this week after our hotel room rendezvous that suggested the opposite) and is starting to suggest that maybe they don't ever want to see us again. And I feel trapped in the middle of all of this, trying to balance my own emotions with everyone else's. I realize that's not a healthy situation for me to be in, and I'm trying so hard to stand away from my "Helper" (Myers-Briggs type) personality, but it isn't easy.

I've told my wife that I'm happy with any result from all of this--from "we never see them again" to "we have a long-term relationship of some sort with B and H"--except one: that I lose her. That's the only thing that would devastate me, to lose her, and as a result I just want to do what's best by her. But I'm afraid she's not sure of what that is herself. This whole situation has brought up a range of emotions I haven't seen from her in years, from boundless enthusiasm to abject fear. I know it's hard for her.

I think all of this has brought me a new understanding of the difficulties polyamorous folks must face. I've only known a couple polys, and not very well. Juggling four different persons' emotions (and then further to try to avoid the mental chess game of "What does this person think about that person, and what is that person not telling this person?") is one of the hardest things I've tried to deal with as a "Helper". In the end I just want to pursue the path that will cause the least hurt; problem is, I'm starting to fear that all four of us are going to be hurt, because we're all going to blame ourselves for letting everyone else down.
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