This is pretty long, but there's a lot of backstory. Read the bold for the cliff notes version.
Four weeks ago I (mid-30's) found a text on my husband's (mid-40's) phone while using it to locate mine. It caught my eye because it was from my best friend... and sexually explicit.
That was the only text from her, which was obviously a continuation of a related but probably-deleted discussion.
We don't lock our phones or delete texts.
We have few rules in our poly dynamic, but the biggest one is transparency. We notify one another if we start communicating with someone else that we think we might want to pursue, we notify one another when we notice that the attraction is mutual, when it gets physical and answer each other's questions after that. We also agree to use protection with others 100% of the time and ensure that we check in with one another before we make plans with those outside of our relationship. We've never had an incident until this.
My husband of six years (together and poly since the day we met, ten years ago) said the text was nothing - that she was just being playful and it was an "inside joke". She's "just a friend", that they rarely talk. I texted her and her response was that it was none of my "f*cking business" along with other choice phrases that were, frankly, disproportionate to my request that she refrain from sexually-explicit texts without my consent. That didn't sound like an inside joke to me, so I pressed him further.
He then admitted to texting and talking to her on the phone for the past six months. Often sexual in nature, but harmless and playful. After his admission, I asked that he terminate contact - because I didn't like what was going on behind my back. I insisted that he call her and put it on speakerphone so it was transparent. She screamed at him to take her off speakerphone - which, he did. He then took the call to the backyard. He came back telling me it was done.
I asked him if he had sex with her. He looked me in the eyes and told me he didn't. I asked again, and he repeated it slowly and deliberately. Reluctantly, I believed him. We had a long discussion about my expectations in a poly marriage and he agreed that his conversations probably didn't fit in our long-standing agreement. At this point in time, her crazy abusive texts were enough for me to veto future contact. No contact without me present and he promised he wouldn't.
He left town for work the next day and that night I got a nagging bad feeling, so I checked his phone records. He spent 3.5 hours on the phone with her on three different occasions that day. This, after telling me over the phone that he blocked her and hadn't heard from her.
That was devastating. Because I knew then there was more than he was saying.
But he stuck to his story. And her crazy increased. Her main point of contention is that he terminated his 'friendship' with her when, according to her, he should have told me to deal with it. He showed me her texts - she was shocked that he would choose me over her. I couldn't understand why she thought her standing with my husband was higher than mine - especially for an unconsummated, emotional affair.
It went around and around between my husband and I, who insisted nothing else was going on.
Two weeks later, I got an email, from my best friend. It went into a lot of detail, but the gist of it was - she and my husband had been having a sexual affair for three years - and had slept together over 50 times. Many times in my house, while I was out, asleep or with my other partner... or he'd delay coming home a day or leave early (he works out of town a lot). She told me of times when I video-chatted with him with our kids - and exact phrases I used.. while she was was naked in his bed. She told me of times that he'd been out with friends, he was actually with her. My best friend was as graphic and vitriolic as possible - even asking me "how did [she] taste?" and blamed me for the affair. She also mentioned that after their 3.5h phone calls, she drove to and was with him. She says they had one last tryst. I was shocked, I felt like I didn't even know her. Or him.
My husband was home when I got the email and asked me what it said. I told him that I was pretty sure he knew what it said and asked him whether it was true. He said it was. I asked my husband if he used protection. He held my face in his hands and swore to me that he had. But, I knew he didn't, because my best friend included a video in her charming email. His story then changed to that she'd given him a printout of recent STD testing and they proceeded to not use protection from then on.
I'm fluid-bonded with my husband and my boyfriend, who lives with us. At that point, I was pretty much livid. I got tested right away and, gratefully, nothing. But still. Who does that?
My boyfriend, who loves my husband too, is as shocked as I am. He's elected to stay out of this, encourages me to try to work things out and has been very supportive.
I don't understand why they hid it from me. I don't understand how or why they both would lie to me, or risk my and my boyfriend's health. I also don't understand why it hurts so much. I'm poly right? Why should I care?
He says that the first time it happened he figured it would never happen again so there was no reason to confront the issue. Then, it just got out of hand and went on and on.
My husband says he was hurt because I found love with another and didn't want to tell me how he felt - which was unwanted and lonely. My best friend honed in on that and gave my husband the adoration and excitement that I didn't.. and she needed him, for emotional support. Their relationship had a D/s element, something I had no idea my husband was even remotely interested in.
He says that he wants to save our marriage and I am trying to get over this. His fidelity and honesty are what I loved about him and why I married him, so it feels like our marriage was built on a lie - that the foundation has crumbled.
The betrayal is double because two people that I loved were lying to me for so long. In a way, her betrayal hurts the most - because I see how that a lot of her inquiries about my marriage were used for her benefit. She'd told me about someone she was in love with and how awesome it was going but didn't seem to want to give details so I didn't ask - not in my nature. She showed me a pretty chainmail collar around her neck about a year ago, which I admired and complimented her on even if, I joked, I couldn't understand why anyone would wear anything like that in public. She said in her email that he bought for her. What she did feels sneaky and mean. I have a hard time with just the fact that he allowed me to be hurt by her in that way.
I would never, ever do something like this to someone - even if I hated them. I would personally feel awful, too awful to keep that kind of a secret. She smiled and laughed whenever she was around me - like nothing was wrong. They both did. And him, he only told me the truth when he thought I already knew it, so I have a lot of difficulty with something I have never had difficulty with before - trust. Even now, I wonder what else I don't know.
I never worried because my husband and I were best friends and always frank with one another. We talked, we communicated and we even had sex regularly. We, I thought, knew everything about one another. I thought I knew all the signs of infidelity and I was wrong - for three years.
Some days I feel okay, and hopeful... and others I feel sad, distrustful - even angry. I don't like the kind of person I am on those days... wondering about things I have never wondered about - like whether I'm still desirable after having our kids. I wonder whether I'm actually a horrible person or maybe it really is my fault. I wonder if I did something to deserve this. I used to feel confident that my marriage and my place in my husband's life was ironclad and that everyone who came into our lives knew that. I used to feel beautiful and happy - and now I don't.
He says he feels like a weight has been lifted, that he was wanting to terminate the relationship with her but was afraid that she'd spill the beans out of spite. He says that she'd become increasingly dependent, jealous and spiteful over the past several months. He insists that I am the most important person in his life, that he made a terrible mistake and that it will never happen again. While he's doing alright... I'm really struggling with this. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I question everything he says and does at the moment.
I still love him, but I'm very hurt. He's the father of my children and I want to repair this if at all possible.
He says that we'll get through it, but how? Am I nuts for even entertaining this?
Four weeks ago I (mid-30's) found a text on my husband's (mid-40's) phone while using it to locate mine. It caught my eye because it was from my best friend... and sexually explicit.
That was the only text from her, which was obviously a continuation of a related but probably-deleted discussion.
We don't lock our phones or delete texts.
We have few rules in our poly dynamic, but the biggest one is transparency. We notify one another if we start communicating with someone else that we think we might want to pursue, we notify one another when we notice that the attraction is mutual, when it gets physical and answer each other's questions after that. We also agree to use protection with others 100% of the time and ensure that we check in with one another before we make plans with those outside of our relationship. We've never had an incident until this.
My husband of six years (together and poly since the day we met, ten years ago) said the text was nothing - that she was just being playful and it was an "inside joke". She's "just a friend", that they rarely talk. I texted her and her response was that it was none of my "f*cking business" along with other choice phrases that were, frankly, disproportionate to my request that she refrain from sexually-explicit texts without my consent. That didn't sound like an inside joke to me, so I pressed him further.
He then admitted to texting and talking to her on the phone for the past six months. Often sexual in nature, but harmless and playful. After his admission, I asked that he terminate contact - because I didn't like what was going on behind my back. I insisted that he call her and put it on speakerphone so it was transparent. She screamed at him to take her off speakerphone - which, he did. He then took the call to the backyard. He came back telling me it was done.
I asked him if he had sex with her. He looked me in the eyes and told me he didn't. I asked again, and he repeated it slowly and deliberately. Reluctantly, I believed him. We had a long discussion about my expectations in a poly marriage and he agreed that his conversations probably didn't fit in our long-standing agreement. At this point in time, her crazy abusive texts were enough for me to veto future contact. No contact without me present and he promised he wouldn't.
He left town for work the next day and that night I got a nagging bad feeling, so I checked his phone records. He spent 3.5 hours on the phone with her on three different occasions that day. This, after telling me over the phone that he blocked her and hadn't heard from her.
That was devastating. Because I knew then there was more than he was saying.
But he stuck to his story. And her crazy increased. Her main point of contention is that he terminated his 'friendship' with her when, according to her, he should have told me to deal with it. He showed me her texts - she was shocked that he would choose me over her. I couldn't understand why she thought her standing with my husband was higher than mine - especially for an unconsummated, emotional affair.
It went around and around between my husband and I, who insisted nothing else was going on.
Two weeks later, I got an email, from my best friend. It went into a lot of detail, but the gist of it was - she and my husband had been having a sexual affair for three years - and had slept together over 50 times. Many times in my house, while I was out, asleep or with my other partner... or he'd delay coming home a day or leave early (he works out of town a lot). She told me of times when I video-chatted with him with our kids - and exact phrases I used.. while she was was naked in his bed. She told me of times that he'd been out with friends, he was actually with her. My best friend was as graphic and vitriolic as possible - even asking me "how did [she] taste?" and blamed me for the affair. She also mentioned that after their 3.5h phone calls, she drove to and was with him. She says they had one last tryst. I was shocked, I felt like I didn't even know her. Or him.
My husband was home when I got the email and asked me what it said. I told him that I was pretty sure he knew what it said and asked him whether it was true. He said it was. I asked my husband if he used protection. He held my face in his hands and swore to me that he had. But, I knew he didn't, because my best friend included a video in her charming email. His story then changed to that she'd given him a printout of recent STD testing and they proceeded to not use protection from then on.
I'm fluid-bonded with my husband and my boyfriend, who lives with us. At that point, I was pretty much livid. I got tested right away and, gratefully, nothing. But still. Who does that?
My boyfriend, who loves my husband too, is as shocked as I am. He's elected to stay out of this, encourages me to try to work things out and has been very supportive.
I don't understand why they hid it from me. I don't understand how or why they both would lie to me, or risk my and my boyfriend's health. I also don't understand why it hurts so much. I'm poly right? Why should I care?
He says that the first time it happened he figured it would never happen again so there was no reason to confront the issue. Then, it just got out of hand and went on and on.
My husband says he was hurt because I found love with another and didn't want to tell me how he felt - which was unwanted and lonely. My best friend honed in on that and gave my husband the adoration and excitement that I didn't.. and she needed him, for emotional support. Their relationship had a D/s element, something I had no idea my husband was even remotely interested in.
He says that he wants to save our marriage and I am trying to get over this. His fidelity and honesty are what I loved about him and why I married him, so it feels like our marriage was built on a lie - that the foundation has crumbled.
The betrayal is double because two people that I loved were lying to me for so long. In a way, her betrayal hurts the most - because I see how that a lot of her inquiries about my marriage were used for her benefit. She'd told me about someone she was in love with and how awesome it was going but didn't seem to want to give details so I didn't ask - not in my nature. She showed me a pretty chainmail collar around her neck about a year ago, which I admired and complimented her on even if, I joked, I couldn't understand why anyone would wear anything like that in public. She said in her email that he bought for her. What she did feels sneaky and mean. I have a hard time with just the fact that he allowed me to be hurt by her in that way.
I would never, ever do something like this to someone - even if I hated them. I would personally feel awful, too awful to keep that kind of a secret. She smiled and laughed whenever she was around me - like nothing was wrong. They both did. And him, he only told me the truth when he thought I already knew it, so I have a lot of difficulty with something I have never had difficulty with before - trust. Even now, I wonder what else I don't know.
I never worried because my husband and I were best friends and always frank with one another. We talked, we communicated and we even had sex regularly. We, I thought, knew everything about one another. I thought I knew all the signs of infidelity and I was wrong - for three years.
Some days I feel okay, and hopeful... and others I feel sad, distrustful - even angry. I don't like the kind of person I am on those days... wondering about things I have never wondered about - like whether I'm still desirable after having our kids. I wonder whether I'm actually a horrible person or maybe it really is my fault. I wonder if I did something to deserve this. I used to feel confident that my marriage and my place in my husband's life was ironclad and that everyone who came into our lives knew that. I used to feel beautiful and happy - and now I don't.
He says he feels like a weight has been lifted, that he was wanting to terminate the relationship with her but was afraid that she'd spill the beans out of spite. He says that she'd become increasingly dependent, jealous and spiteful over the past several months. He insists that I am the most important person in his life, that he made a terrible mistake and that it will never happen again. While he's doing alright... I'm really struggling with this. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I question everything he says and does at the moment.
I still love him, but I'm very hurt. He's the father of my children and I want to repair this if at all possible.
He says that we'll get through it, but how? Am I nuts for even entertaining this?
