An interesting read into my beloved's mindset this thread was... (why am I talking like Yoda all of a sudden?)
Star Wars withdrawal, babe?
SayYes, you're reply makes sense, but boy does it seem harsh.
I can see how it would feel harsh. Fwiw, it sounds to me like this is someone who has been down the path and knows what didn't work in her marriage. But I'll let her speak for herself.
My heart says I *want* to be with one person and I want that person to *want* to be with just me. For the past 15 years, up to last year, I knew who that person was.
I know love, I know. Getting choked up right now just reading your words. Scratch that, full sobbing complete with worried looks from the boy and the dog climbing on top of me. Ah love!
I am one lucky woman!
The whole point of this thread is that I would be willing to seriously consider burying this part of me because I love you that much and because in the end, if I *had* to choose, I would choose you.
I just don't think we do ourselves justice by jumping to that right away, because it would always feel like a loss to me. For me the question is why does my loving someone else and expressing that love, threaten you? I know lots of other people's answers but I want yours
You have so much hurt from that and I think you believe it reflects more than it does. I think you said in another thread that you do believe now that it isn't something lacking on your part, but that you don't have enough somethings for me.
I wish I could articulate this so let me try. You are an amazing man!!!!! When I made the choice to sacrifice myself 15 years ago (I really do apologize to others for being so vague, but I don't see how the details are pertinent. Suffice it to say that it has to do with survivor issues), I didn't know how amazing you were. I honestly thought you would leave me, that I would lose the most wonderful man I'd ever met, if I allowed myself to let all of the ramifications of my abuse manifest themselves. I know now that I was wrong.
All of these assumptions of mine weighed me down for so long, but not anymore.
As to my poly inclinations--you know I've always loved people and had more love to share than most. Hell, my mother drives separate cars if we go to a social event together because I love people and can't resist connecting with them and she doesn't want to wait around. I know that's not *love*, but it relates for sure. And now that I know some important things: there are more "good" men then I thought there were, I can love more than one at a time, without
detracting from the love I have for you, I can actually enjoy my sexuality, etc. And that last one is no dig about you. Jeesh, if I couldn't open up to you, I wouldn't have been able to open up to anybody. I was just being independent woman and made a choice about what I had
to do to keep our relationship, which means so much to me.
Back to my other point, I think there is a lot of grieving to be done around that hurt you have, not just about the infidelity, but around the belief you seem to have that this indicates something lacking or not enough "somethings" that you give me. Simply put, it comes down to diversity. I've always liked different people, friendships, etc. It isn't a slight to one friend when I appreciate and even crave the qualities of another.
Bear with me, but I heard this song on the way home today and this one line might as well jumped out and bit me:
All my life I've tried to make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide Waiting for somebody to tell me it's my turn to decide
I actually want to leave it w/o explanation for a couple of reason--one because I want you to decide if you see the applicability, and two because I want others to do the same for themselves. I don't want to ruin it for anyone ;-).
Christie means too much for me to just say this mono/poly difference is too much to handle without trying to understand everything I can about it. So I'm reading Opening Up, chatting with poly folks, and will now be on this forum.
You are amazing!!! I feel blessed every day that you chose and choose to spend your life with me and I hope in time that you come to realize that my feelings for others do not negatively affect my feelings for you, quite the contrary!
I love you!!!!