For some reason, and this is that silly "Love" thing us "beings" tend to know very little about, I am compelled to care for her more than lust after her or want her always to be mine. We take care of each other and the way we have done so has been miraculous.
I've deluded myself in relationships before. Being where I think things are perfect but later the curtain is pulled away.
We have gotten into the industry of buying and selling experiences to each other in doses. Where "I love you forever" is just a splash of color on a canvas of delusional BS that we feed each other up to the point things get to hard and we drop everything, smash to bits all we can to forget it and move on.
It's a drug.
I had a fiance' once and we were together for nearly three years as BF/GF and then another as this cute couple about to be married. Dinner parties and the modification of friends and enviornment to get ready for kids and a home and being true adults in a sane and productive cherry pie society and then one day she had a friend of mine over to intentionally be sleeping with him in our bed when I came home just because she couldn't bear to tell me any other way that she had been cheating nearly the entire time I knew her.
With the wedding a month away it was a peach of a situation.
I was told that it wasn't me it was her, she felt lost, she had been cheating for so long that she just couldn't stop and didn't know any other way. It was the club life and her job and the drugs doing it to her, bla bla bla.
We never really loved each other. We were both taking a drug and it was a hard core addiction that went on for way to long. She could have gotten us into cold turkey a bit easier but at this point I'm not counting eggs over it.
That and other "Open" or "poly" relationships that fell into similar delusional and destructive aspects did a lot of damage. In some relationships I got hurt again and in others I got into it because I knew i would get hurt just so I could have something to blame.
considering all of this I still feel on some level I'm a bad person but I know that isn't true. It's that kind of thing that causes itching and doubt.
I really want it to go away. I was celibate for SIX YEARS before I met this person I'm with now. Just because I couldn't take it anymore. I know this is a lot, I've been rambling but i did want to thank you all for your help because it has helped as I hope I haven't put any of you off as I may still need your help.
*sorry had to shorten things to keep under the 1000c limit*