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Old 07-21-2010, 10:04 PM
monopolylover monopolylover is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: East coast US.
Posts: 30

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I like what you have to say Mono.what of that? There seems to be a desire for more, but a threat to investing in more.
That is still an on the fence issue for me. I would like to see her more often and she has expressed a want for that as well. My work takes me everywhere so where I live is hardly a solid need in the geosocial sence. But after considering some logical points you have made, I have to keep a clear head and see if this is really a poly, I'm with or a player/oportunist.
I have to make a correction. I have not met face to face with any of her other SOs, the instances I was speaking of were form every previous open or "poly" I've been with. Which is why the theory of non asshole poly men is more of a hypothesis with me at this point.

Another very important point:

I'm in the states and America in general is one bassacwards place as far as social maturity. I've spent a lot of time in Canada for work and even tried to immigrate there. The levels of Social and relationship maturity in Canada and Europe are profound compared to the US.
Even among very rural or poorer areas in Canada people keep their shit together a lot better. I can believe that there are polys there who may in fact be male and not assholes. I just never stayed there long enough to find out.
Without getting to into it, the place where my SO lives is one of the top three backward social scapes that the USA has to offer. Alternative sexual lifestyles are not welcome or tolerated and the average male in this area is the worse example of poor education and egomaniacle alphamale that America has to offer.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
sounds like she has a whole lot of men just like you going on. Interesting. I have not been interested at all in men like this and don't understand how they would be interesting. I have found poly men to be giving, generous of the space and freedom I require and very understanding of my need for much love in my life because they want that too... the whole idea that there is some sort of competition is frankly just bizarre to me and makes no sense to the 14 years of poly I have experienced.
I have to ask because it is far to obvious.
Among all your SO's can you honestly tell me that none stand out so much that if you were given the decision to take just one on a trip you were never coming back from you would not be basing your decision on some random choice but rather your preference of who you would want?

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
again! Blah, *vomit* who the hell have you been hanging out with and what on earth has happened to you and your relationship life that you have experienced this! That is just so wrong on so many levels to me. I'm sorry but I can only imagine that these men have low self esteem, no self worth, don't think they are worthy of love, respect, caring, compassion and a real relationship with a real person that has all these attributes. I feel sorry for them. They obviously really know nothing of what depth of relationship can bring. What it is really like to be happy for ones partner that they are having such a good time with another and that they can benefit by feeling good that they gave of themselves (compersion).
Have you been to the US?
It is insanity here. American Democracy is great but it makes for one hell of an alphamale game in what is touted as "alternative" or "subculture".
Dating in this country is a nightmare. I remember I took a girl in Montreal to dinner once. Not one time in the entire conversation did something randomly moronic, mediocre or just plain poorly mannered come out of her mouth.
I felt under dressed. She ended up not to be a good match but just for a sane date to go on with another person, it was wonderful.
This girl i am with now had NEVER been on a real date before she met me. (We are not that young either).
As in going to dinner, conversation, walking, getting to know each other, ect, ect. This is a beautiful person and we sync very well.
Begin treated like shit was also a common theme when she was mono. Though she had very few mono partners and one long term that was just some redneck nightmare.
I can't blame her for being poly now.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
ya, feeding you a line there. She is saying that to all of them too btw... wow, she doesn't seem to know much about poly. I think she should be saying she has an open relationship style of dating, that would clear things up nicely in my mind.
I don't have enough reference as yet to know for sure if she tells her other SOs the same thing and I'm not ready to jump on it that she is just a player in poly's clothing.
But if doing so is in breaking with the "policy of poly" then again there is a case.
But who makes these rules?
It almost seems that who ever is writing the book on poly is just as insane as the arse who wrote the book on mono.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
got that right! Poly is not easy though, I worked with Mono for a year before we felt like we had all our needs met, no one was compromising and we were all happy in our position within our tribe. Then Derby came along and rolypoly and we adjusted again and continue to adjust to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. If we are doing it and are happy and others are, how can your belief in poly be true? I think what you have experienced is either very poor poly or not at all...
Again, I hear you and there are plenty of disturbing signs but there are also a LOT of really encouraging signs. Unfortunately most those have to deal with being held in higher regard than the other SOs. Which, as you state, is not keeping with poly.
But if that is true then what about the married polys on here who have just one spouse.
That is a damn large size of higher regard over their other SOs to be married to one co-habitate with that person exclusively and keep relationships outside that don't get to have the same experience. I understand that those others have found a comfort zone but for the central married person in all this what makes that husband or wife who may or may not be mono or poly, the person they married?

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
no there is nothing wrong with you, you seem to be doing okay in this, besides thinking that you have to compete.

If you are all good then what are you looking for here? Not that I want you to go, but just wonder...

In a nut shell, considering you have been hurt before, I think in your case and if I were you I would do as Mono says... in the meantime I think I would be working hard at gaining confidence, self esteem and self worth and getting some old issues worked out... if you work on the old issues you might find the latter falls into place.

I certainly would not be investing in this woman if it were me, as she doesn't seem to have all her ducks in a row either. She has her own work to do it seems. I am wondering what she is hoping to accomplish if anything? How her seemingly casual relationships are working for her? and what it is she wants in a future with you? Who knows, maybe if you get all that sorted out it will end up just you too... in the mean time, I think I would be looking at your self and stop blaming poly for what has gone wrong in your relationships.. because it certainly seems you do.
I'm not really feeling like i have to compete, it's that for how things always have worked out, I get forced into it or edged out for not playing some game.
Again, America land of the free, home of the bullshit artists.
What hurts me is being less to this person if another SO becomes a higher priority and that damn itch when i know she is with another or when text messaging and calls with other SOs break into our time.
You can't be in two places at once and priorities can only be split so far.

True, this girl has some serious "having the shit together" problems. Can't handle finances very well, very poor judge of character in some people and a bad habit of excuses where simple honesty would have been much better.
Of course I have the exact same problems in some cases and compliment her faults in others.
Another reason we have been in sync so well.
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