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Old 07-21-2010, 07:21 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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I like what you have to say Mono. I think our friend here does want to move near her though... what of that? There seems to be a desire for more, but a threat to investing in more.
Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
as far as I know of the 'group' the guy who went back to mono, was a very casual hook up who never really invested much outside of just being a hook up. Another is more of a player who is more of the same as far as actual interest in her as a person. Another is more of just a friend who wants far to much for her to get into a physical relationship but a LOT of attention would fall entirely to that person if they were more open to who she is.
sounds like she has a whole lot of men just like you going on. Interesting. I have not been interested at all in men like this and don't understand how they would be interesting. I have found poly men to be giving, generous of the space and freedom I require and very understanding of my need for much love in my life because they want that too... the whole idea that there is some sort of competition is frankly just bizarre to me and makes no sense to the 14 years of poly I have experienced.

Mono tells me that he has felt like that but I have offered no indication that there is a competition to be my number one man as I am not looking for a number one man, a number one fuck, a number one anything. The people I date are all different and fill me with joy in and of themselves. I'm sorry, the idea that I am some queen bee and they are my workers vying for being top dog makes me laugh on one hand and rather ill on the other, because I SO don't want any of them to think that. I would disappear if it were like that and date none of them. Absolutely NOT interested... blah

Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
I have a pretty harsh stance on poly men because 99.9% of them have all been the same. I'm not saying that all poly men aren't like, "HA HA, I got that ass tonight sucker and can have it any second whilst you are away!" but,... well if there are, they are being drown out by all the noise from the opportunist assholes.
again! Blah, *vomit* who the hell have you been hanging out with and what on earth has happened to you and your relationship life that you have experienced this! That is just so wrong on so many levels to me. I'm sorry but I can only imagine that these men have low self esteem, no self worth, don't think they are worthy of love, respect, caring, compassion and a real relationship with a real person that has all these attributes. I feel sorry for them. They obviously really know nothing of what depth of relationship can bring. What it is really like to be happy for ones partner that they are having such a good time with another and that they can benefit by feeling good that they gave of themselves (compersion).

Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
I'm told, "oh he isn't as important to me as you are" or "he doesn't think of me the same way you do", but suddenly as I'm face to face with the person the reality of how they see things is obviously different from what my SO thought or was telling me.
ya, feeding you a line there. She is saying that to all of them too btw... wow, she doesn't seem to know much about poly. I think she should be saying she has an open relationship style of dating, that would clear things up nicely in my mind. Ties in nicely with the DADT policy she likes to up hold. I couldn't imagine telling any of my partners that I think of them more highly than the others! So unfair and untrue! I love them all for exactly who they are, fuck ups and all! No wonder you have this competitive thing going on!

Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
what is easy is always what is most corruptible.
got that right! Poly is not easy though, I worked with Mono for a year before we felt like we had all our needs met, no one was compromising and we were all happy in our position within our tribe. Then Derby came along and rolypoly and we adjusted again and continue to adjust to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. If we are doing it and are happy and others are, how can your belief in poly be true? I think what you have experienced is either very poor poly or not at all...

Originally Posted by monopolylover View Post
Someone said earlier, and I agree, if a relationship is worth something, it takes hard work and sacrifice. So far I feel that my costs are justified with this person. Her other SOs might be assholes or command more attention/emotion later but as things are there is no static and I'm happy with her.
We have also grown somewhat together in this relationship. It's that 'rug being pulled out' feeling from a past of really bad relationships (mono and poly) and what I will feel If I become less to her among the SOs.

It has gotten to a point where those fears/annoyances are fading out.
Of course when ever I know that she is away with another there is an itch I can't scratch. So far that is a cost I can handle but I can't say for sure if I can always handle it.
Should I be able to say for sure? Because I don't know if 'yes' would ever or should ever be the right answer.

Is there something wrong with me?
no there is nothing wrong with you, you seem to be doing okay in this, besides thinking that you have to compete.

If you are all good then what are you looking for here? Not that I want you to go, but just wonder...

In a nut shell, considering you have been hurt before, I think in your case and if I were you I would do as Mono says... in the meantime I think I would be working hard at gaining confidence, self esteem and self worth and getting some old issues worked out... if you work on the old issues you might find the latter falls into place.

I certainly would not be investing in this woman if it were me, as she doesn't seem to have all her ducks in a row either. She has her own work to do it seems. I am wondering what she is hoping to accomplish if anything? How her seemingly casual relationships are working for her? and what it is she wants in a future with you? Who knows, maybe if you get all that sorted out it will end up just you too... in the mean time, I think I would be looking at your self and stop blaming poly for what has gone wrong in your relationships.. because it certainly seems you do.
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