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Old 07-21-2010, 07:10 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Question Married and in love with 2

I've been married for 11 happy years and could not imagine a better husband. We express our love to each other in many ways every single day. I always imagined that people who have affairs are seeking something that is missing or unhappy in their marriage, but lately (the past year) I just can't deny that I am in love with another man. I think about "polyamory" and wonder if this describes my mindset. I don't know.

Just as we can fantasize about all sorts of sexual situations we really wouldn't feel comfortable acting out, I can imagine that I would love to have multiple lovers in my life -but I suspect that my marriage would lose its uncommon sweetness. Especially as I can't imagine my husband ever wanting me to be with another man. I'm not only the only woman he's been with, but the only one he's ever even kissed, or fallen in love with, or been close to in any way other than family closeness. He is totally content that way. (I, on the other hand, love to sift through memories of the other men I had been with before we met.)

This other man... he lights me up inside. He breathes passion back into my life. He understands parts of me that no one else does. (He has known me about 20 years.) He also makes me feel so incredibly sexy that whenever we spend time together, I end up running off to my husband afterwards for incredible hot sex for days, or weeks. At times, that has repaired some stale times in our marriage.

My husband is happy with me having friends, male and female. He is content with my going off dancing every week while he stays home with the kids. (Sometimes I take a daughter with me; rarely, we get a sitter or the whole family goes.) He is not a jealous man and has befriended every ex-boyfriend or ex-lover of mine he has met, with honest gratitude for any happiness they had given me. Yet I know his pride would be crushed if he thought I needed another man as a lover. He has traditional ideas about marriage. He grew up in another culture, more restricted than ours.

My "other man" lives a couple of hours away, so we don't meet often. He has a girlfriend, and a kid living at home, so we are alone very very rarely. We don't intend to have sex, because of the hurt it would cause others and the risk to our friendship. (Not that it would destroy the dynamic between us, but that our loved ones would no longer want us to be friends.) I can make that sacrifice, much as I know I'd enjoy being his lover. My heart aches for him sometimes though. We talk on the phone sometimes and an hour flies by before we get out half of what we wanted to say.

I guess what I want to know is whether polyamory, the concept, the lifestyle, the perspective, has any answers for me. If it's really about multiple "loves", more than just about multiple sex partners, then is this what I am living? How do I do this without causing anyone pain? My husband knows I enjoy seeing the other man, but does he need to know I enjoy kissing him too? Should I stop kissing him, as one friend of mine advises? (I feel more guilty about loving him -something I can't help -than about kissing him.) I have told my husband that I feel more sexual when my friend compliments my body or looks at me like he wants me -but should I tell him when he had that "highest climax of his life" the other night, it had a lot to do with my friend having recently whispered orgasmic descriptions of my favorite fantasies in my ear?

What to do?
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