View Single Post
Old 07-21-2010, 04:52 PM
DavidWebb DavidWebb is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Treadstone
Posts: 28

Ok… focusing on page 1 here… other pages to follow…

Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
This seems to be a lot to do with his trust in your telling him he is who you want to be with and that you are satisfied in your sexual connection with him.
Honestly, he has to trust you in this fact. You can't convince him of it, he has to believe it. Either by time and build trust, or...just give over to the love he feels for you and you feel for him
Originally Posted by inlovewith2 View Post
Yes, I think this is true. I do think it has another dimension though in him not understanding why I need more than what he can provide. And it's not that I do, necessarily; I view it as an expression of my feelings for the other men in my life.
Ariakas. I admit I originally glossed over your reply initially, but upon reading it found it simply well put... “you are satisfied in your sexual connection with him”… I believe that we do have an awesome connection. But what I find difficult believing is that it is completely “satisfying” to her. Because if it was, why the need for others? I feel I have done whatever she has asked of me and yet I have a sense it leaves her wanting more (even though Christie counters this by saying “And it's not that I do, necessarily”). For me, there’s a loss of pride there that I can’t “satisfy” her (kind of ‘all of a sudden’ – see next paragraph).

I think our history matters here. It feels like… 13 years of marriage and never a mention of this. Then Christie falls in love and has sex with R and realizes “I need more love and sex than my husband can give me”. (metaphor alert) I ran into a wall when I was a teenager (literally – had both wrists in casts) and this has a similar taste as that. Ooh, let’s keep the metaphor going… the docs patched me up, I healed, and I learned not to run into that wall again cuz damn it hurt like hell and took a long time to recover from. I do view this poly transition the same way. I feel like I've been smacked into a wall, but I can heal and figure out ways to deal with it. On the bright side, as opposed to the actual running into the wall incident, at least with poly, I can still wipe my own @ss.

Another of my issues (and I know it is *my* issue) is that I still cringe when I see “other men in my life” staring at me on the screen. I’m still getting used to that. And then the “view it (sex) as an expression of my feelings”… ugh. double cringe.

Originally Posted by SayYes View Post
In order to really, truly have a relationship with my boyfriend, I need to be free to express how I feel in a way that feels natural and organic, not laden with rules and specifications. Even if that turns out to rarely mean sex, were the option not there, it wouldn't feel like I was *really* free to have a relationship with him. That's the best I can do at explaining why it matters.
I can appreciate this line of thinking and it is helpful for me to get this perspective. Christie has mentioned that she and R don’t always have sex when they get together for various reasons, many of which you pointed out. But she would prefer to have the option open. I certainly get that! If I was in her position I would feel the same way.
But my mono mindset kicks in and wonders truly how the relationship would be different. Would you really not be able to become close to this other person and love this person if you couldn’t have sex with them? For me, I feel I could. There have been plenty of dry spells in our marriage (see OP for reasons) and I never felt like my relationship was no longer “natural and organic”. There are many ways to be intimate. I prefer to reserve the ultimate forms of it for Christie. Just a different mindset I suppose.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I would prefer the idea of "most men" would flee, but in essence I agree. Your man is amazing
Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
Yeah -- what Mono said. Treasure that guy.
Thanks for the kind words.
I feel the same about Christie – she is amazing and I treasure her.

Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
For me, what happens during sex is apparent in what happens afterwards: pillow-talk is, for me, an order of magnitude more intimate and loving than any other communication with a human being. Trusting another person with my body creates a connection that nothing else rivals.

It's like two people learn to play all sorts of relationship music together. Light conversations and fun little tunes, serious discussion music, deeply emotional pieces. One way I think about lovemaking is that it's a particularly deep and satisfying music to make. If you get a lover who feels that way about it then they will want to learn that part of the repertoire with you. Not because they need to get their rocks off but because they want that deep emotional music.
To the first paragraph: Boy, did that hit home. I’m going to have to save this one. That is one part of it that really scares me. That Christie is going to be so vulnerable and so intimate with another man in a way that up to now she and I have only been. I certainly feel an ‘ownership’ of that. That Is Ours. Elmo and Barney won't be happy, but I don’t want to share that!! I cannot imagine ever wanting to be that intimate with someone else. And so it adds to the hurt that Christie does.

To the second paragraph: I don’t mind her making music, I just want it to be with my instrument. Sorry, that seemed too easy of a setup to pass up. In all seriousness though, I get the metaphor. And whenever it does get to that point, I do prefer any OSO’s to want the deep emotional music vs. just the need to get their rocks off.


Last edited by DavidWebb; 07-21-2010 at 08:08 PM.
Reply With Quote