Wow, ya, this isn't easy. Thank you all again for all your help, Id be completely at a loss without your wisdom, guidance, experience..
So Friday we went out, dinner, festivals...just a beautiful night.
Saturday, I dated her again, mall, lunch, movies, festivals..and then I screwed up, we went to the gentlemans club. We were having a great evening, drinking too much (Im quickly learning not a good plan til I get my head on straight). I smoke, and frequently have to run outside to partake in this nasty habit, which she begrugingly tolerates. Well, as the night wore into morn, I met a guy outside, nice enough. I don't know what I was thinking, if I was being a bitch or just having fun, Im sincerely not sure, I just know Im not this stupid. Invited him to join us inside. Had several cocktails with him, he walks us to out car, kisses us both. Now, I have no issue with this, a little drunk making out - not a biggie. Im just not sure what my motives were.
Sunday we went out for lunch and to the park, another date. I've know my gal for 6 years, and can read her like a book. She was obviously distracted and texting him whenever she thought she had a moment. It's not like she was blatent about it, she'd do it when I styepped away. Evenutally, she admits she told her BF about this parking lot make out session, and he got pissed.
I was angry, but understood, she couldn't be in the moment with me until she got this thing with him off her chest. I gave her some advice, and the rest of the evening was ok. Not great, just ok.
Monday night rolls around and we're watching TV, and shes texting with the BF like crazey, I snapped, she snapped, heated argument, hugged it out.
Took yeaterday off work to run some errands and gain some clairity. Read about half of "Ethical Slut" which really helped. I'm just all over the place. Before I met her, I was the epitome of the tramp, I dated a married guy for 6 years, typically would only sleep with people I would never want to see again, swore love didn't exist, I'd never wed...and now look at me!
So today, I'm calm and trying to be accepting. I repeatedly ask for reassurance that shes not leaving, which she gives me. I can't/won't give her the same until I'm certain. I have moments when I believe I can deal, and it might even be better in the long run. Then I have moments of "not good enough", "is she sharing our private stuff", "is she leaving", "this is so embarassing", and 1000 other random ugly thoughts. When she sings along in the car, it crushes me because I feel like shes singing about hm and not me anymore.
I'm really trying.