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Old 07-21-2010, 01:47 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Squamish, BC
Posts: 790
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What i can see, from trying to read your threads (and I apologize, if they are all squished together like that its hard for me to read) is that you want a label, rules and to know how things work. I get it. I understand the need to label and compartmentalize. I'm very much like that myself.

The problem is, there is no *one* way that poly looks. There's no *one* way to define what a poly relationshiop *looks* like.

We know what monogamy looks like.

Boy meets girl
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy and girl get married
Boy and girl have babies
Boy and girl buy house
Boy and girl live happily ever after.

MY understanding is that poly can look like this:

Boy meets girl
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy 2 meets girl
Boy 2 and girl fall in love
Girl loves boy and boy 2
Boy and boy 2 may or may not be friends
Boy and girl and boy 2 live happily ever after

Or it can look like this:

Boy and girl meet
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy and girl meet girl 2
Boy and girl fall in love with girl 2 and vice versa
Boy and both girls live happily ever after

Or it can look like this:

Boy and girl meet
Boy and girl fall in love
Boy and girl get married & have babies
Girl meets boy 2
Boy2 is married with or without babies
Boy2 and girl2 meet boy and girl
boy2 and girl fall in love
girl2 and girl fall in love
boy and girl2 fall in love
Everyone realizes that the initial couplings are the primary and the other loves are secondary and everyone lives and loves happily ever after.

Or it can look like any other configuration.

Its when you try to put it in a box and say "THIS IS POLY! THIS IS WHAT ITS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE" that things start falling apart.

Poly=many
amory=love

polyamory = many loves

its not poly fuckery - that's more aptly described as an open relationship or swinging depending on how you do it.

Just because she has other partners does not mean that FOR HER she does not hold your relationship in less regard than she used to or that your relationship will be relegated to a secondary one.

I was monogamous for 5 years. Played the swinging game for 3. Now exploring polyamory. Anyone I'm involved in will realize that FOR ME - my husband comes first. I will not jeopardize my relationship with him for anything or anyone. My ideal will be someone who already has a primary and is looking for a secondary, because they will *get* it.

For others - they are looking for co-husbands/co-wives. Equal love, equal share, equal (I mean that inthe broadest sense) everything.

I think - if you can understand and get 'ok' with her loving others - and KNOWING that it doesn't diminish her love for you, then you'll probably happily be monogamous with HER while she is poly with others.

BTW - I have 4 kids. I love them all differently - but I don't love any one more than another. Equal but different.

Jane
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