Emotionally, I've been flying very high lately. I've been talking and learning and growing. But I stumbled yesterday. I called into work and sat around at home all day in a real funk. I wrote and thought and explored, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I just felt off-kilter, out of step with the world.
Having a history of suicidal depression, I'm well versed in the signs and symptoms. It's history that is very much a part of my past, and I'm a mentally healthy and stable individual, but I am still vigilant against the creeping toll that depression can take on your life. I have a pattern of low periods, but I've discovered that much of it is health related: if I am not getting enough sleep I operate under a haze that presents as the malaise of depression if it becomes a chronic sleep deficit.
I was very glad to see my husband when he got home, but we ended up getting into an argument in the car. He blamed me for something that wasn't my fault and I called him on how unfair that was. I wasn't very gracious about it, and he was understandably upset at both my delivery and his own unfairness. It took us a long time to get back on the same page.
I think he's really stressed about money. It's the only subject that he gets like this about, though it bleeds over into other areas of our lives.
I hate my job. Or rather, I hate how the people at my job make me feel. Or rather, I hate the history of miscommunication in my job that results in lingering misunderstanding about intent and capability. It's just a difficult situation, as my gut instincts are screaming at me to leave, and my head is telling me to stay. It's not a comfortable position for me to be in.
These two things are my biggest stressors right now. If I didn't worry so much about my husband worrying so much about money, I'd be willing to make the changes in my own job for my own happiness. And if my husband wasn't so worried about money, he'd be more supportive about my changing jobs. I'm just feeling fortunate to have a job, and a job that pays as well as I do.
I don't know why I'm being so resistant to change here. I am hating to admit to myself that I know how to fix the situation. What needs to happen is simply that I need to get a new job, and I think everything else will find a way to fix itself. I just wish I felt like I had my husband's support.
In any case, it's a relief to have some sort of path before me again. I'm looking forward to probing these problems to see what sort of insecurities, fears, and misconceptions come up. It just feels like I'm on the cusp of another breakthrough, and I'm just itching to get there.