Originally Posted by TruckerPete
Yes, sit with this and come back to read it later. You are experiencing a true maelstrom of emotions, and I hope that writing it out has helped to relieve some of that.
She had every right to be upset here because she planned a night with a SO, and he blew her off. I would be upset if it was a friend, let alone a SO.
I hope you can find clarity here, and the sounding board you so obviously need.
I miss stated about her other "so" (as it is termed). She had made plans to be with this person but that person had not made plans. She had expected him to be available and still poly but he had gone back to mono and was exclusive with another girl. It made an emotional dent where she said one would not exist because of something like that. It was just something that (like with other poly relationships I've seen) there is a double standard present. A way that the rules simply do not apply. It also meant that that so had become less by way of communication you would think would have been in place if this whole poly group understanding thing had been in effect. She didn't know he had become exclusive and he had no idea she might have been showing up to expect hooking up. An egg on face instance that you might think would have had me relishing in it but I felt bad for her. Part of me understood in a weird way and I think if she had been able to hook up that night, even though it would have hurt me, I would have felt better about things.
Sounds very illogical, I know.
This forum has helped and further confused me immensely. Both good and bad.
The thing that sticks out most at this point as you said is that with polyamory it is just as natural as me being mono. It boils down to two things for me.
1- If my emotional investment is justified as things are. IE, If I can really deal with this as is enough to be exclusive to this person. Because if I am not exclusive I can't be with her and I know already that she would be hurt if I chose otherwise (as things are now at least). I can't be poly either. For me it is unnatural.
2- If I can eventually handle becoming less to her which is far more of a possibility with poly because she has that option.
Which brings up another problem. She has options where as I've found the only one I prefer above any other. The possibility of her prefering another to me is always there. Which means at some point I will have to sacrifice my "position" and be either less or not at all.
Poly really is no different to mono in terms of the potential emotional damages only with poly you have the chance to damage more people at the same time. Makes for one hell of an alphamale game as well because with men it is obviously different. A poly male is always going to be either cock of the walk with who ever he is grouping, a casual emotionaly disconnected feeder who still finds amusement and game in being preferred over others or a very desperate, conflicted or confused attachment (as I find myself feeling) and there is always a game to how men perceive relationships and sex.
Actually now that I look at it that way, I kinda prefer being a conflicted attachment.
I'm not in this relationship for game and I cold care less who these other people are.
Woman have the capacity to be more logical in relationships and don't capitalize sex as men do. They may capitalize very dumb relationships but they don't game like men do. At least not as much.
Outside of this relationship, I'm not a very emotionally invested person either. I feel very deeply but only for those I love. In real life I'm nearly intolerable for how disconnected I can be to everyday things and things that most people see as important, which i do not.
In light of how i prefer my life to be this relationship makes sense. So much sense. The sad part is that one day I may not be what I was to her. I wouldn't be doing anything differently or changed in any way, I just wouldn't be as I am now in her heart or eyes, she would move on and I would be back to square one or worse. I don't want to lose myself in this and i don't want to lose her. It is that the possibility of losing her is more probable because she is poly.
As things are, I can deal with that. With all relationships you have to take a beating on some level or it isn't worth anything. For her I'm willing to take a beating and so far I haven't gotten as bloody as in other relationships, poly or mono.
That is the over all factor It really boils down to. Despite the definitions or how we want to paint the relationships, it's how much of a beating we are willing to take for anything we may not be getting out of it. Which is true in any relationship.
I'm actually thinking of moving to the southern US of all places just so I could see this person one or two times more a month. Not a cool southern state either. This state and the region of this state are like the 9th circle of American hell as far as intolerance, rednecks and just plain ignorant living.
But i would gladly spend the rest of my life calling it home if it meant being with this person more often.