I'm a mono In love with a poly girl and know not what to do
Plane and simple Iím a monogamist. Not only that but Iíve been one faithfully all my life. The closest Iíve ever come to an experience of plural relations or cheating I became so irritated with the thought of hurting either person that I told my then girlfriend the hour before I had almost snuck away to be with another girl that I had to break up with her because I was not feeling the relationship the same way she had been and I wanted to be with this other person.
In recent years Iíve had more casual relationships and I was in what I thought was a relationship with a person who claimed to be ďpolyamorousĒ but was simply not telling the guy she lived with about all the other men she was fucking or any of the other men she was fucking about the guy she lived with, or most of the other men. I was also in another relationship where the person claimed to be polyamorous but it turned out that it was just a way to explore multiple relationships for that person with a similar stance of keeping one or two thinking they were exclusive.
Iíve also been in one night stands which instantly turned me off to the concept of casual sex all together.
Especially in the US where sex seems to be far too much of a chore in both social and emotional aspects.
In far too many relationships Iíve been hurt so the institutions of polyamory, monogamy, ďopenĒ relationships or ďswingingĒ are obviously of no concern as to why people do what they do in relationships. They are concepts and I have accepted that there are those who may practice them faithfully. Unfortunately Iíve only found that those who practice monogamy faithfully are the only ones being the most honest about it and themselves.
Which brings me to my dilemma; Iím in love with a polyamorous girl. As in seriously in love with her. As in I would cut out my heart if it meant giving her a few more breaths of life. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off for this girl and she gives me no reason to think any of it is a waste or that she would ever just drop me because another of her ďmatesĒ became more to her. We give each other time and space as it is needed/wanted and we talk every day.
Polyamory is something I could never do. I donít feel that way about relationships and I would never want another person in that way when I have a person I want in that way. Just as a polyamorist would see it as offensive and unnatural to be judged for their choice, I too feel it is my nature and my choice and to be ridiculed for it would be just as equally offensive and just plain wrong.
The stance that she is with another and the instances of time spent in that way with others is painful to me.
I donít want it to be painful to me but Iíve realized it is my natural self and my state of emotional health that there is nothing wrong with. Iím not jealous; Iím just hurt by the state of how things are that I can not be all this person needs/wants. Yes that sounds like jealousy but I just donít see it that way because Iím not pissed at the other guys and I donít want to tear her away from what she wants/needs, Iím just hurt by it. I canít honestly say that there is part of me wanting it to be different BUT I also know that if she changed, there is a chance she could change for the worse.
I donít want to know about the other guys either. I donít hate them and we might very well be friends if we knew each other but I donít want to know specifics like, ďthis night Iím fucking so and soĒ.
We live far apart so I donít have to be that exposed and I travel a lot for work so a nesting situation wouldnít be all that comfortable for another monogamist partner. But I know on nights when itís obvious she is out with someone else, I feel terrible. Why should I?, Iím not there and if I was it would be even worse.
When I think about just her and when we are together, there is nothing else in the world.
Some things stick out though.
Recently one of her other partners got a girlfriend and wasnít there for her on a night she planned for them. She was hurt by that and stressed about it much the way Iíve stressed about her being with others. Though shes said before that in polyamory something like that wouldnít register that way.
But it did.
That caused a rift to develop. Not between us but between how I felt about the relationship.
I felt like Iíd become a crutch because she wanted more time just with me and was closing off from others. I enjoyed the added attention But she is still polyamorus and I donít see it as fair at all. With that kind of instability in how she sees things that could very well mean that the emotional attachments are just as important to her with multiple people BUT, they have to be part of her own group and see no one else outside of her OR she really isnít polyamorous at all and is just using it as a crutch until she can find a person who will put up with it enough and be what she is looking for.
In that case it is just a way to have your cake and eat it too.
Either I am becoming that person or at any moment a new person will be added to the group or another current member will become more important. If she is truly polyamorus then doesnít it stand to reason that there are borders to maintain as with monogamy?
There is something Iíve maintained as FACT in any relationship type Iíve seen.
One of the two is more into things than the other or one is using the other. Usually it is both. Polyamory would seem to be the perfect solution but then I keep running into people who arenít really polyamorists, they are just using the term to fuck and sample traditional feelings with those in their group who are more giving and get the dirty play from those who are not.
Iím rambling. Am I stupid? I love this person more than I can say. I do not want to hurt her or see her hurt, I could never take from her or force her to do anything because it would destroy me just to think about it. All I can do is love her, let her be who she is and without her in my life I wouldnít be the same. I feel like I wouldnít be me without her. Yes, I know I sound crazy. Iím a monogamist who can not love anyone but this polyamorous person. Outside of this technical hiccup in how she views what happened with this other guy getting a girlfriend, I understand and accept who she is. The pain of her being with others is something Iím willing to deal with for her. I guess I just need others to talk to. A support network for my support network. Because I still get lost in this. If anyone can understand this it would be a big help.
Am I being in the wrong relationship? Should I bite the bullet and stick with a monogamous partner because I might hurt more later? Am I just being bullshitted again?
I know my own feelings could be deceiving me here either way. Which sounds more logical?