Poly gal in love with gal with is fearful/conservative/virginal/etc
My primary and I have been discussing polyamory (in the non-actual sense; it's been just strictly theoretical) since he and I were “boyfriend/girlfriend.” Now, we are married. We’ve been married for 2 years. Very happily.
I have had, for also nearly 2 years, a very very close woman (I am a woman) friend, who identified then and even now as “straight.” I was instantly attracted to her the day I met her. Our friendship has grown very deep and very strong. I love her unconditionally, but also think she is the most attractive woman I’ve ever known. The chemistry between us is insane. She is my best friend who is a woman. My other best friend is a man, my husband.
About 6 months ago, I told her I was attracted to her. Then, a few months after that, I showed her the TV show The L Word. After watching that show, she revealed to me that she “suddenly” finds some women very attracted—and she said, before the viewing of that show, she never thought of women as potentially sexy or as a potential playmate. A little while after that, I tried to kiss her, but she rejected me. It hurt like hell, but I got over it and continued to be her best friend. Then, about a month later, she came onto me, and we had a blissful night of kissing. Since then, she only wants to have sexual encounters with either my husband present or her husband present. To me, she seems guarded. She seems so full of fear. And too full of “what ifs”…she is constantly retreating, she is constantly putting up barriers and walls and boundaries. To be frank, she is quite a virginal character—she has only slept with 2 people in her life before me: her husband (they only had sex AFTER they got married), and her high school boyfriend just a few times (bad young sex, with guilt, etc). Add on top of that, she comes from a conservative background. Add to that that her husband is somewhat homophobic, and not very culturally-advanced; case in point: the other day he said to me, “The love between a man and a woman is very sacred…it is not as good as the love between the same sex.”
I am in love with this woman. But I fear that I must let go of the romantic hope/feelings, because I feel very angry and emotionally frustrated at the rate of her sexual and mental and general slowness. She is so cautious! She is so fearful! I cannot discern whether or not she is just “adventuring” with me just to support her marriage (her husband has lesbian fantasies, etc) or if she truly does have romantic feelings for me. I can never tell--even though she claims she is being honest and open with me about her every-shifting feelings. The problem is--I don't know when and if she is being honest with herself.
I am in love with her—and I would like to have an ongoing sexual relationship and intimacy with her—but she keeps running away, and only making maddeningly small baby steps. And I want to be intimate with her WITHOUT our husbands present.
Last night she came over, and watched as me and my husband fucked, but she refused to let me undress her or kiss her very much. It made me so mad. My husband actually got soft during sex, because he could feel her emotionally retreating, during the event. She wanted to do it, yet was on the edge of the bed, about to bolt. Why was she there, if she only kinda wanted to be there? What is she up to?
I don’t really need or want advice, per se, but I’d really like to hear some stories about people who may have experienced similar situations. What happened? What were the details? I’d like to compare notes, and get a sense that I am not alone. Like I said before, my husband and I are new to this. This woman is the first real experiment into poly-land since we initially got together. And I feel very lost. I recently purchased “The Ethical Slut”—and it’s so great! But I want to type/talk to others…