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Old 07-19-2010, 06:10 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by DavidWebb View Post
What I hear is that a sexless marriage is ok, but sexless secondaries are not. Why?
I am surprised I missed this thread. I think I can understand this. and it seems to related to

Originally Posted by dw
we struggle with intimacy our entire 15+ year relationship (due to the reasons in the op), but now it feels like it's all 'hey I am poly'... so some guy can come along, woo you for a couple months and now you're locking lips with him.
- that physically sickening feeling thinking about some other guy being with you...
I wonder, do you also feel like you have put in the time, work and energy to help heal the original sexual problems, only for someone else to reap the reward of all that work?...I might be jumping to conclusions here so please slap me if I am way off base.

The "getting used to partner" getting physical with someone else is something we all have to struggle with eventually. You have to find a way for focus on her happiness and want that joy for her. With how much patience you have had through the tough times, you must be incredibly strong and patient.

- worrying about others hurting you
I talk about this often and its one of the things I think people find the hardest. She has to own any hurt that occurs to her. She has to learn to deal with it and fix it. You can't own that hurt or the possible hurt. All you can do, and should be required to do, it support her and offer her strength. Its a fair thing to be concerned with, hopefully the tools are there to deal with the pain.

- projecting my feelings on to you. for ex. when I tried dating and any time I was close to kissing her, I recoiled thinking not only would it be weird to kiss someone else, but it would be... well... Wrong. So, yeah, I know I project that to you... how does it not feel wrong to you to be with someone else?
No everyone is going to feel like you and you can't expect it. Quite simply, don't expect them to. People have different levels of intimacy and comfort. Thats something where "personal" boundaries are individual.
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