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Old 07-18-2010, 06:03 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,188

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I wrote to them and said that I was being triggered about the fact that they are dating our ex's. I also wasn't sure if that kind of communication suited them as they are very quiet and I was a bit intimidated by that as I am very boisterous and forthcoming with my honesty. This has been known to bowl people over and I didn't want to do that to them. I said that I just wanted to let them know in case they were interested in talking to me about it. All in order to help each other as that is how I roll, or try to. I stressed that I didn't mean anyone ill will and wish them all well, but was concerned for them because of my own experience
This is where I think it went to hell. Too much chatter hemming and hawing around instead of providing information. I'd say they were likely put off because you didn't simply make your point and go on.

If you think it important that somebody know about how your exes behave, then simply provide an overview of that behavior and let them follow up with questions if they wish. "Hey, this is the experience we had...I'm happy to answer questions." Then leave them to proceed as they will.

They might be offended that you would "intrude" on their business. They might just write off what you say as sour grapes. They might simply ignore what you've said just to approach things without expectations. If you're going to offer any such information, you have to be prepared for any response, whether positive or negative.

Any such effort can strain or break friendships, so you have to prepare for that. I think that sets the bar for when it's appropriate--is the information about something so important that you would jeopardize a friendship to deliver it? If it's not that important, stay out of it. I'm thinking warnings about domestic violence, substance abuse, and such would be important enough to report. Warnings about people just not being straight up about their intentions? Nope.
When speaking of various forms of ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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