Thank you, Immaterial, for the great advice. And I will definitely look into that book. I think you are totally right that what all this signals is a need for me to communicate continually with both men what I'm feeling, especially when I'm feeling anxious, etc. BTW, my evening with the new man (let's call him S) went wonderful, and he, and my existing lover (let's call him A) even talked to each other on the phone afterwards (they are close friends..I met S through A). I saw S again today, and he even suggested that all three of us hang out tomorrow, though I personally am not quite ready for that. But that opened up a good opportunity for me to communicate that and to also tell him that I am new to all this and therefore feel a bit awkward sometimes, not knowing what to do, how best to do it.
As I was with S today, I thought about what you said, Immaterial, about being 100% loyal and committed to one person while still having another lover, and that helped me quite a bit to relax and enjoy the gifts before me.
Often, the trickiest part for me is identifying what my own needs are. Once I know that, I'm pretty good about communicating them...being radically honest...but honesty means you know what the truth is that needs to be told...I think one thing I need to work on is learning how to listen to the little clues in me that tell me what I am really feeling/needing/wanting. I also need to work on honoring my gut reaction. In retrospect, those little clues are always more like glaring neon signs, but it's amazing how I don't notice them/choose not to notice them or disregard them when they are popping up.
So...so far so good, and thank you, all, for such wisdom. I am finding this forum immensely helpful. It is wonderful to have a community to engage with that is also experiencing the same things (and is much more experienced at experiencing them!)