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Old 07-17-2010, 11:56 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
I agreed to all this mainly because I don't believe in random encounters nor do I believe anyone can be everything to one person, and I feel better if she had an OSO (proper term?) that had been established on a friendship first. Also I love her with everything I am, so for me it was not right for her to repress part of who she is. So I am dealing with my own self-worth and inadequacy issues.
You have some great foundational principles here, imo. And you are a brave soul!

However, and it's a big however, there's issues now with my jealousy, anxiety and anger; and it's any time she goes out.
These feelings are normal and even arguably healthy (not to say not experiencing them is unhealthy). What would you expect of yourself? I just admitted to my dh that I would be a puddle on the floor if I were him right now. We have a lot of mono messages fed to us for years! Why wouldn't we have some insecurity when that "foundation" is shaken?

I never had an issue with the physical aspect of it: have a shower, it cleans off and then I can "remark my territory"
And others (my dh for example) can handle the emotional intimacy seemingly with ease, but it's the physical that makes them ill. We are all different! The trick is to validate your feelings and have open discourse about them with your fiancee.

we discuss openly concerns or new guidelines (since I'm a recovering mono, and she hasn't had any other partner allow her to explore this) and have the great mentality that if for this to work we both have to be happy in it.
That is a great mentality, imnsho! Have you read "Opening Up"? I'm about 2/3 of the way through, and think it might be helpful in helping you address many of the concerns you list here.

To this other gentleman's credit he has put our relationship beyond his own wants/needs and acted in nothing but an outstanding manner. He and I have agreed to meet but then my fiancÚ is petrified of a tug of war ensuing if she sits too close to him, or too close to me, or he touches her, or I touch her, say the wrong thing, etc. etc. I suggested maybe he just picks her up and I say hello at the door, shake his hand and break the ice as a start.
Sure it's nerve-wracking for her, but what about you? Fwiw, DW and I discussed this and he and my oso decided to meet just themselves. This has pros and cons like any other arrangement I should think, but at least there was no "tug of war" fears. Or you could set guidelines ahead of time like no physical contact. Ftr, I agree with something another forum member said a while back; that the deference goes to the "primary", but that's me. And if that's *you* as well, say so!

All that being said, back to my anxiety, which stems from fear of loss; my jealousy, which is the irrational fear, based jealousy manifesting in the pit of my stomach. This comes from the feeling that by her attention being given elsewhere and her affection (re: emotional affection) there's less for me. Now my rational brain says love isn't a finite commodity, but my reptile brain (the part with no reason or need for it) wants it all and any that goes anywhere else is at a loss to me! mine! mine! All mine!
All completely normal!!!!!! Our rational brains aren't the be all and end all, but in this case it's right . I kid you not, I love my dh more now that I love another as well! Go figure. See, love isn't a quantifiable thing and it doesn't follow some kind of linear equation.

I also believe part of the jealousy is that she has found it so easy to find willing participants (term please) in the lifestyle and I am having a heck of a time finding any at all. Which I am sure is common, but if anyone has any ideas of how to break the coming out part to a potential interest. Right now I have been waffling using Plenty of Fish, keeping that I am in an open relationship in my profile, taking it out. Getting hate mail from it, people not reading it and freaking out when I mention it, etc. etc. etc.
Also totally normal! DW and I have found that he seems to have the toughest time when things are going "well" for me and not so great for him. He still feels like he's mono through and through, but is giving dating a shot. He hasn't wanted to kiss anyone, etc. and has had fears that this indicates some failure on his part. It doesn't, anymore than my being poly indicates a failure on my part! My mantra of late? It is what it is!!!! It's remarkably applicable to all kinds of situations.

The anger is my rational brain reasserting itself in some way, as I get angry with myself for being irrational and then lash out. To this end I have been using the exposure therapy method where I don't force my anxiety away, try to control it, but let it come and dissipate on it's own. This has had limited success. So I am hoping that since I doubt this is a unique problem there are readers out there with insight to help move my personal growth along.
I don't know that I can be helpful being the poly person in a poly/mono relationship, but I think the exposure method has some merit, *if* you are at a point where it can be effective. Honestly, I think the idea of meeting him is the best form of it, because like I think Redpepper said, then you get to see that he is human, etc.

I'm not going anywhere, and neither is she. Our communication is open and honest, and our relationship is the best it's been ever. But I need for the sake of that to continue to fix what's wrong with me.
You'll have to forgive the therapist in me here, but our words can be powerful. Why do you say there is something "wrong" with you? You are working it out, doing the best you can to make it work for the sake of your partner and your relationship; what's wrong with that? You have some feelings that suck and hurt like hell I imagine, but they aren't "wrong", they *are*. Give them their due attention and keep on with the awesome commitment you both have!

I wish you the best of luck!!!!
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