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Old 07-17-2010, 09:03 AM
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Erato Erato is offline
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Location: Massachusetts, USA
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Hey Christie

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2 View Post
...I tend to be a very open person by nature (a strange juxtaposition with my difficulty trusting to be sure), and I feel like sometimes these details are important to give others enough info in order to best respond...
Wow, we're a lot alike, hehe! I'm a survivor too (though I don't consider mine to be all that bad but I do have a tendency to downplay it, maybe it's denial? Not sure.) and I'm strangely open despite trust issues. I think sometimes I'm too open and it confronts people with how honest I am! I'm still trying to figure out a middle ground, hehe.

As for your relationship with DW and the sex issue, well, you were in a place of great suffering and he stuck with you through it. I commend you both: you for working through it and him for supporting you.

I think, from what I can say from recent experience with my man, that there is some healing which needs to happen. You're not responsible for making DW all better, I don't mean that, but if I were you I would try to be as reassuring as possible. I've recently figured out it's less about "understanding" or "making him understand" as it is about being understanding of each other.

If he only had one leg and you were asking him to hurry up the stairs (or down them) to you, would you be as patient as possible? I'd go so far as to say that I would want to be there on the stairs with him offering a shoulder (and I'm not implying you're being un-supportive, please know that) and silently encouraging him to take each step at his own pace. I know I can't take the steps for him, I can't carry him, but I can make him feel supported and safe while he deals with those scary things lurking in the back of his head. He waited for you, right? He now needs that patience.

Hello DW!

Quote:
Originally Posted by David Webb
- we struggle with intimacy our entire 15+ year relationship (due to the reasons in the op), but now it feels like it's all 'hey I am poly'... so some guy can come along, woo you for a couple months and now you're locking lips with him.
Have you forgiven yourself for the lack of physical intimacy in those years? I can't read your mind, or tell you what you're feeling, but it sounds to me like you have residual blame - like you wanted to fix the relationship faster but could not. Maybe I'm projecting as that's a thing I tend to do from back in my actively co-dependent years. I'd also be asking myself, were I you, if I had forgiven my partner for the struggle she went through.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidWebb
- worrying about others hurting you
This shows me how much you love her. Being supportive of her building relationships (when/if you can be) means giving her the freedom to make her own mistakes on who she relates to. If you want to be able to get to a stage where you can do that then it might be good to remember that you can trust her judgement. I'm not saying you don't but it's something to consider.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidWebb
Anyone, feel free to point out flaws in my thinking.
I don't know if you meant it that way but I read this as a little undermining of your views/opinions/feelings. Your post to me read as feelings - pure emotion - some desirable emotions and some which you perhaps would prefer not to feel. No one can be wrong when they speak of their "feelings". All your feelings, fears, desires, anger, all of those are valid and you have a right to feel whatever you do feel. Feelings can't be right or wrong they just are. I like to try to think of it as helpful or useful feelings and feelings which I find harm me or which I don't enjoy.

The bottom line is what you do with them. Do you use them to attack the feelings/actions/desires of others? i.e. When I implied that my partner was wrong for feeling possessive of me because I felt threatened by his feelings. Or do you forgive yourself for the ones you don't want to feel, explain them to the one who needs to know how you're feeling if you can do so calmly or work on them with someone else you trust if it's too explosive to talk to your partner about it?

I'm not a therapist or expert or anything, so feel free to take what you like of what I have said and leave the rest, I'm just sharing what has worked for me and what I'm only just coming to discover.

Bah, massive post! Hopefully there was something coherent/useful in it for someone.
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