Perhaps falling out wasn't perhaps the best wording. It was more of a very emotional talk. Basically what had happened is that I hadn't heard out of J for about 5 days, then I get a long letter saying she's sorry, but she got scared and when she gets scared, she says nothing at all. She and I had begun to make future plans, but I didn't think they were too concrete. It was stuff along the lines of "after I finish school..." kinds of things, which is several years off, considering how much of an education I'd like to get. I guess, from what I gathered out of the talk, that our future plans, even though they included her boyfriend, threatened the plans she had with him. They've been together for two years, and have already made plans, and I guess our plans scared her.
And yeah, I do struggle with being a secondary. I'm used to being with just one person, so the concept of sharing is strange, but like I said, I'm not threatened by the boyfriend. When I said I felt I was better, I meant on an emotional, fiscal, and caring level. The boyfriend almost hit J on more than one occasion, but has yet to lay a hand on her. THAT is my biggest concern, and greatest point of better-ness. I would never, under any circumstances, ever threaten her safety. This guy is also currently out of work, lives at home, and allegedly has an interest in pursueing further education, but my gut feeling tells me that that'll probably fall through. I, on the other hand, am going to school and with that education, I can provide for her. I'm also a little more emotionally supportive. The boyfriend doesn't exactly express his feelings that well. She knows that he cares, but he doesn't do much. He doesn't tell her she's beautiful or do things for her, he just kind of hangs out. I've been told that this is just how he is, but I don't find that acceptable. However, it's not my relationship, so I can't comment on it to her. All I can do is provide for her in the ways he doesn't, which is what I've been doing. Maybe that's wrong, I dunno.
I love J, she loves me, and I guess I just have to settle with things being the way they are. She wants a "no pressure" relationship; meaning, she wants a relationship without expectations. I don't think that's an outrageous request, but I'm the kind of person who likes to plan things out, but things never go the way anyone plans. It's stupid to take something as concrete as a 5 year plan and build on time, which is the most elastic property in the universe. I really want to make this work, and I think part of why I struggle is because I haven't been here. I've already told her that I'm willing to put in the time to make this work because I love her that much. Things may change and I may end up taking another SO, but I don't forsee that happening any time soon. Oh, the boyfriend doesn't have another SO either. I think we have a "V" relationship, I think it's called. So, we're both focused on J, and as far as I know, the boyfriend wants things to work out as well. He knows that there are some ways, emotionally, that he can't provide for her, so that's why he's ok with me being in the picture.