Originally Posted by Eos
All of this has been a rather emotionally testing ordeal. I care very much for J and would like to make her a part of my future, but I'm not the primary, and therefor, not exactly entitled to wanting that. J and her boyfriend are very much in love, and to her, the thought of having real life plans with anyone other than the bf scares her. The two of them are in the process of trying to find a place, and basically get everything they need to start a life. J's got every intention of marrying this man and having a family with him. I never in my life would have thought that I'd be ok with sharing an SO because I've been a raging monogamist for my entire life. But for some reason, I'm really not threatened by the boyfriend. I feel that our relationships are two very different things, and have different kinds of love, so I don't feel that there's any need for alarm.
The hardest part is the distance. J lives 4 hours away from me, and I am not able to visit whenever I please. I'm a full time student who will be going to college 2,000 miles from where I currently live, thus potentially straining this situation further. I love J completely and totally, and would love to plan my life with her, but I currently can't because she's planning it with the boyfriend. We actually had a falling out over it. While some part of me believes that I'm better for her than the bf, I recognize that it's not fair to say that and there's no use in getting upset. I have no intention of taking another romantic partner, but at the same time, it's very difficult for me because my loved one is 200 miles away. Part of me gets jealous because the bf has her whenever he wants, and I have to plan strategic trips just to spend a limited amount of time with her. I've considered leaving the arrangement, but J means too much to me, and it'd be like cutting off an arm at this point if I chose to walk away.
What sort of falling out did you have? What do you mean you feel you are better for her than the boyfriend? I'm not sure why taking another romantic partner would have much bearing on how you feel about J and her boyfriend.
You write: "I've considered leaving the arrangement...."
It sounds like you are being left. I am just giving you what comes across to me in your description. You sound like a classic secondary. For this to be more successful, IMO, you have to be almost 100% comfortable being the secondary, You are not. You would in fact rather be the primary.
If I were you, I would run away, very, very, very fast and not look back. It sounds like J has used you and would like to keep her options open to keep using you. This is very painful stuff but it seems like a departure is warranted, given the strong messages from J.
But that's just my .02.