first adventure into polyland...
Well, hello everyone. I'll be honest, my story is kind of complicated, so I'll try to be as clear as possible.
Though born a biological female, I identify as Genderqueer, which basically means that I feel like I'm something outside of the gender binary. For me personally, I feel that I'm a blend of both the male and female genders, but I don't have a particularly strong leaning one way or the other. There are times that I will dress and pass as a male, and other times I will flaunt myself in a pretty dress. It really all depends on the day of the week. That being said, to most people, I identify as a lesbian, because quite frankly, I love women.
When does this get to polyamory you ask? Well, right now. I am currently in some bizarre form of a relationship with a woman who also has a boyfriend. The way we met was actually rather odd. My SO, J we'll call her, was the best friend of my current best friend. For the longest time, she was just a story, something I only ever heard about, not a real person. One day, I got a friend request from her on FB, and I accepted, and we hit it off fantastically. There was instant chemistry, and it was very obvious that we were attracted to one another. After several months of on again, off again messaging, there was a text message, that eventually led to a phone call, that eventually led to a profession of love on both ends. We'd been just friends several months prior to that, so this was not some random thing that just started.
J told me that she wanted to be more than just friends, and I care about her as more than friends, so I didn't see the problem. Well, except for her boyfriend. The bf was actually ok with all this happening, and even encouraged it. The two of them had discussed getting J a girlfriend a few months prior to me entering the picture, and J kept her bf in the loop about everything that was going on, and he consented to the two of us becoming close. The boyfriend has absolutely no intention of having anything to do with me romantically. We speak every now and then, but I wouldn't even consider us friends. J, the boyfriend, and I all decided that we would keep the relationships seperate, which I thought was the best option. And seperate is meant in more than just a sexual way; J does not talk about the problems between she and her boyfriend, and does not tell the bf about any issues between me and her.
All of this has been a rather emotionally testing ordeal. I care very much for J and would like to make her a part of my future, but I'm not the primary, and therefor, not exactly entitled to wanting that. J and her boyfriend are very much in love, and to her, the thought of having real life plans with anyone other than the bf scares her. The two of them are in the process of trying to find a place, and basically get everything they need to start a life. J's got every intention of marrying this man and having a family with him. I never in my life would have thought that I'd be ok with sharing an SO because I've been a raging monogamist for my entire life. But for some reason, I'm really not threatened by the boyfriend. I feel that our relationships are two very different things, and have different kinds of love, so I don't feel that there's any need for alarm.
The hardest part is the distance. J lives 4 hours away from me, and I am not able to visit whenever I please. I'm a full time student who will be going to college 2,000 miles from where I currently live, thus potentially straining this situation further. I love J completely and totally, and would love to plan my life with her, but I currently can't because she's planning it with the boyfriend. We actually had a falling out over it. While some part of me believes that I'm better for her than the bf, I recognize that it's not fair to say that and there's no use in getting upset. I have no intention of taking another romantic partner, but at the same time, it's very difficult for me because my loved one is 200 miles away. Part of me gets jealous because the bf has her whenever he wants, and I have to plan strategic trips just to spend a limited amount of time with her. I've considered leaving the arrangement, but J means too much to me, and it'd be like cutting off an arm at this point if I chose to walk away.
So yes, I entered into this world of polyamory with absolutely no intention of doing so...it'll be interesting to see how this works out.