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Old 07-16-2010, 04:54 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Location: Alaska
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Ah RP, don't underestimate me my friend.
I did confront him and he took it upon himself to notify both her and I WHAT he did wrong, WHY it was wrong, HOW he was going to ensure that it didn't happen again etc. He took full responsibility for his actions and after apologizing to both of us he added in letting her know that he could completely respect and accept if this was a "deal breaker" for her, as his behavior was inexcusable.
They backed up a little bit and opted to make a "restart" with their situation, going over more details of what was expected and acceptable.

Had he done ANY of that differently, my post would be vastly different as well! I have NO abillity to accept repetitious disprespect and he knows it. I may be his sub, but I'm not his doormat and I expect a fairly large level of respect as his wife, his lover, his sub.
I know this thread isn't pertinent to D/s, but D/s is pertinent to respect and so I include these thoughts for some other random person to consider.

In order FOR him to have a D/s relationship with me it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and uncompromisable that HE must be willing and committed to obeying and following the rules, ALL of the rules of our marriage, love, friendship relationships FIRST. There can be NO D/s if both parties don't have THAT in place. It simply won't work.

When this errupted, it was a setback to a relationship that is quite meaningful to him-our D/s relationship that we are continuing to create. He fully understood that his actions and choices-were a direct conflict to what HE HIMSELF wants in OUR relationships.

We all make mistakes-and yes, he should have known better (don't doubt I didn't let him off THAT hook!). But we also all deserve a little grace if we are willing to bear the burden of our consequences, face the gavel so to speak and correct our wrong-doing, which he also did.
It meant A LOT to me that without provocation he not only took responsibility to tell ME he was sorry and attempt to correct the issue, but he also went straight to her. I did NOT go to her, so if he hadn't, she'd have NO CLUE there was ever a problem. He detailed the problem and explained that it was ALL him and that he flat knew better. He explained that he allowed his fear to be what he made his decisions from even though he ALREADY KNEW that doing so would lead him in the WRONG direction and he knew why. He explained that there was no excuse for his behavior, that it was IN ESSENSE disrespectful to HER as well as I because by allowing himself to move forward with her and not respecting me, he was creating their relationship upon the foundation of a lie.

FYI-I HAD already given them both permission to move forward as they saw fit with their relationship. That is all SHE knew. She wasn't privy to our boundary list from me because when I left it wasn't yet pertinent information. So she did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG at all in this situation.
Also the WHAT that happened, was not breaking the boundaries either. All of what was DONE was perfectly acceptable. The boundary rule that was broken was "full disclosure to primary". That was fully and completely Maca's responsibility-not hers.
Also-cause I know how things get when we aren't clear on definitions, when I say "full disclosure" is one of our boundary rules, our boundary list has a very clear explanation in it that PRIVACY is not to be invaded on any side in this. For example, it's NOT against the full disclosure boundary for him to keep to himself any details of their sex life or her personal life that she is uncomfortable having shared. That is a matter of respecting her PRIVACY. What is unacceptable is not saying to me, "this is where things stand with us, this is what I'm feeling right now, this is where I'd like to go with it, or this is when/where I'll be with her this week." Those types of things require full disclosure.

SO ANYWAY-yes RP, it is IMPERATIVE that when people break rules that are the basic guidelines for how to love and respect your partners best within the dynamic you share, that this is addresses IMMEDIATELY. IT MUST be corrected or the relationship will become very unhealthy, very fast.

Why I'm happy for him, for her, for myself, is that while we are still finding areas we need to improve upon with one another, we're no longer finding it a struggle to do that work. We're finding that with each new step, the steps get easier and more enjoyable.
It was SO NICE for me to be able to tell her that yes, Maca and I had an issue. Yes he broke a boundary rule, no that isn't acceptable, but with his immediate admition of his error and consequent immediate correction of the issue AND his effort to put in place a method for ensuring that he doesn't fall into that self-induced trap again, I was confident and secure that our relationship was on track and therefore not going to fall apart under the destruction of repeat behaviors of this type.
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Last edited by LovingRadiance; 07-16-2010 at 09:10 PM. Reason: to fix my error in using a real name!
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