Yeah -- what Mono said. Treasure that guy.
For me, what happens during sex is apparent in what happens afterwards: pillow-talk is, for me, an order of magnitude more intimate and loving than any other communication with a human being. Trusting another person with my body creates a connection that nothing else rivals.
But that's just me. I don't have any abuse history or sexual baggage to speak of. Your emotions are obviously different. And of course you gotta be who you are.
However, a difficulty may arise for you because what you feel about sex could be very different from what your significant others feel about it. For some people it's not about physical gratification but about a very deep, resonant connection.
It's like two people learn to play all sorts of relationship music together. Light conversations and fun little tunes, serious discussion music, deeply emotional pieces. One way I think about lovemaking is that it's a particularly deep and satisfying music to make. If you get a lover who feels that way about it then they will want to learn that part of the repertoire with you. Not because they need to get their rocks off but because they want that deep emotional music.
Unfortunately I don't know how you bridge from your feelings about sex to the kind of feelings I describe. Maybe just be aware that they exist, and that your lover(s) are asking you for something that you may not completely understand but which is very significant for them.
I dunno. I may be off-track in my comments. I always worry that I've misunderstood. Good luck!