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Old 07-16-2010, 03:39 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145

Yes, I'm an impatient sort as well. And you have your own ideas about what poly is -- "your poly is not my poly" kind of thing -- but it would seem that building relationships requires more time and patience than getting laid does. But you know that already I'm sure.

If you're having trouble networking and you're comfortable with online dating you could try OkCupid and PolyMatchmaker. The former is a large site with some poly members; the latter is a small site with all poly or poly-friendly members.

Or it could be that finding friends is not a difficulty for you. I dunno, responding to posts always involves a bit of guesswork I think.

I'm not on OkCupid right now but I when I was I found some people who are in stable, long-term poly relationships. They probably have some insights to offer. And of course people on this site have developed their own understanding about how to do their kind of poly.

A few thoughts:

1. A lot depends on whether you're looking for a "secondary" partner or for a co-husband or co-wife. (Sorry about labels, but I gotta use words to talk about things.) If you're thinking you will have a lover then he or she must understand how your marriage works and how important it is. It's neither fair nor stable to let someone slide into thinking that just maybe he or she will supplant your husband in your life. And take care of your lover: realize that he or she will need consideration and affection. You might read over the Secondary's Bill of Rights for some perspective on ethical relationships with lovers.

About a co-husband or co-wife I have very little to say. No experience. Many of the others on this forum could speak to that, I think.

2. Pay attention to your husband! You've both decided to open your marriage but emotions have a life outside the rational decision-making process and they can burst out when no one expects it. Pay attention! Attendez-vous! Cuidado! And pay close attention to your own emotions, too. It's easy to let vague uneasiness just ride along, but then suddenly resentment, depression, or anger comes slamming in like a hurricane you never expected.

Good luck!
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