Thanks for the good thoughts, Honestheart.
I understand your sorrow for a lost poly relationship, I think. What might have been. It's sad.
And I have some of that. No matter what's said and done, I'll remember my relationship with L as beautiful.
But it's always been very clear that she loves her husband most and that she puts that relationship before all others. That is as it should be in this case.
I have never challenged that and I never would, because that's where her true happiness is. Period. I need her to be secure in that, because I need her to be happy.
For myself, I've always been a bit solitary. My late marriage made me more so, and by the end of it I was sure I would never want to live closely with anyone again.
So my thought was that L would be enough. She would go home at 11:00 and I would go to sleep, and that would be that.
Well, I was wrong. I spent 4 days living in a campground with J -- not all idyllic, as her car broke down and had to be towed, and she had to do online work 2 hours a day, and so forth. Real-life stuff, spending nearly all our waking hours together. And it turns out I might really, really like living with someone. Just takes the right person. OK, there's a lot of NRE involved.
I realize that. But still, to find out that I'm not limited to a mostly solitary life is a revelation.
I've talked with L three times now after telling her I wanted us to have a non-sexual friendship. The first two conversations were pretty rough, the third seemed like maybe she could get past anger and relate to me a little bit. Or maybe not -- she's more insecure than I realized and of course insecurity feels weak. She's using anger to make herself feel strong, I understand the psychology of it, but I'm not entirely sure that I can completely forget the things she's said to me.
There's a sense of guardedness now. I edit what I say to her because I no longer trust her to understand. C'est la amor, eh? It ain't never too easy.
There is a sense, Honestheart, in which this particular poly couple tacitly expects their lovers to live half-lives for their benefit, perhaps. For instance, L has disparaged her husband's GF for dating another man...but really, what do they expect?
Ah, well. It's a choice. As I wrote, the relationship was beautiful, it helped me find my way out of a rather strange place, and whatever happens next I'll remember it fondly.