We continued our fight when he woke up. But we met a resolution, as always.
1. My hormones are going crazy today and I am crying over everything.
2. I am not his mother and will not respond to things the way she did, therefor no guilt trips, no saying one thing and meaning another, no holding things against him if I say it's okay.
3. He is not my dad. He is not abandoning me. (my dad is still very much in my life and we have a great relationship, but he never wanted kids esp. a rebel daughter and we had several yrs of problems and he's done some things to my mom that I just don't agree with). I recognize there are things I ask hi to do/go with me to, that he doesn't enjoy, he recognizes I need him to be with me, enjoy my time more when he is with me. He also recognizes that I do things with him I do not enjoy,but get fulfillment simply from being with him, and I do not complain, I'd like to find away to have that with him as well.
4. Weekends with g/f do not mean only with girlfriend. I assumed it meant they did their thing and I only got invited in if they took pitty on me. Not okay with that. I recognize they need their time, but if Karma and I have plans during their weekend, she either comes along or they make plans for before or after. Karma canceling plans with me, b/c it was their weekend really hurt.
5. We all need to continue to work on the whole communication thing and not assume we know what is going on in the others head.
6. I do not hold the affair against g/f I hold her repetitive hurtful actions against her until proven that they were only mistakes and not intentional harm. I'm getting there quicker than expected.
7.I am not going to lie about how I am feeling. If I say it is okay to do something that I am hurt by or do not agree with, there is a reason for it and again with not being his mom, the reason is not to have something to hold against him. Sometimes the end justifies the means. Sometimes , while it's not what I want or it hurts, I can get over the hurt, knowing he is happy.
8. First thing in the morning or right before bed, not the best time to pick a fight. Not good to pick a fight at all if we are looking to resolve an issue. We are both fighters and highly defensive. Attacking will not resolve anything.
9. Trust will come with time. It is getting there, but I have 8 yrs of cheating, lies and affairs to work through. That's gonna take a bit. I'm going to question and second guess A LOT! Keep proving I have nothing to fear and things will keep moving forward. I do believe people can change. I do not believe once a cheat always a cheat. But I do believe in not making uninformed decisions. I recognize his frustration, he needs to recognize his part in my fear.
10. I won't post things without talking it out first. If I need to write it out, I will journal it and post it later.
11. Everytime I'm reminded of the lies and the fact that the whole damn world knew but me, it's going to hurt. He needs to own his part in that, I need to own my recovery from it.
12. I need time for us, that isn't us on the computer, in a book or playing video games. I need to feel special, not pushed aside because we live together. That's how we end up back to cohabitating, not loving.
I think we made a lot of progress tonight. It was hard to get through and it seems we both hold some residual pain from our parents against eachother. That's not fair to either of us. We need to recognize this in ourselves and verbalize it, not hold it in.
G/f and I progressing as well. We've made some progress in getting to know eachother and I am looking forward to the 3 of us going to a pow wow together. Karma has taken an interest in learning more about the native culture and g/f is always up for things like this, so I think it will be fun. Hopefully I'm pleasantly surprised and not dissapointed. The pow wows I;ve been to have been on reservations this one is held at a fair ground. But it is hosted by the local Tribal community so I have hope.
I did a few personal readings with my new Tarot deck. Still not sure if I like it or not. I love the deck itself, but I'm stumbling on the readings and interpretations. Doesn't seem to come as naturaly as the Runes do.
Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. Has just been an emotional few months and my breaking points are lower as a result. I know it will get better, I just have to hang on until it does.