Originally Posted by sage
I'd say your wife has gone way too fast - three other partners in 6 months when you're so new to the whole idea!!!! It's taken me two years to even accept that my partner is not going to get over it; that I can't make him monogamous by beinthe most awesome partner on the planet; or that I actually want to stay in the relationship if poly is the way it has to be.
Having said that I do understand how women can go a bit crazy after a long period of time in a relationship where they have struggled internally. If she was poly and living a monogamous life with you not suspecting anything was wrong she was probably struggling very hard to cope.
Don't be afraid to communicate your feelings and negotiate a way forward that works for both of you. For polyamory to work you both have to be happy.
It does get easier.
I'm DW's wife. He and I talked and decided that it made the most sense if everyone knew to connect us. Here is my initial intro post to the group: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2595
I am so blessed to be his wife; if you only knew!!!! Ironically, I think one of our biggest challenges has been that we both care so much for each other and are willing to do so much for the other's happiness. How to do this when what makes him happy is in opposition (or seemingly so) to what makes me happy is a major challenge.
We have a lot of healing to do, from my mental health crisis the past year plus, from the infidelity and from the idea that if I want to be with others, it represents some inadequacy on his part (it absolutely doesn't!). I can't imagine how much that hurts him, but I know the fact that he thinks this hurts me immensely. If I could take away his pain, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
You are absolutely right that things have gone too fast Sage, and the other(s) who mentioned it. I am only now reading "Opening Up", darn I wish I had read that months ago! Truth is, I had no idea what I was doing, what to expect, etc. All that I've known to do since I already made that mistake was to focus on our communication and to get his guidance on what he needs. I've been responsive to that and have pulled back as per his request.
It's so odd for me to explain this, but I do think he's the most awesome partner on the planet (knowing full well that many people would disagree ;-)). And it isn't like I struggled internally for a long time (relative to being monogamous that is). My struggle is with anxiety and depression and those have been constantly present in my life and thus our relationship. I believe that it is my past that motivates my desire to be poly, as I know it is certainly NOT my relationship with DW.
I'm going to end now, because the point of this was to connect us and maybe to provide some clarity. I tried very hard not to be defensive, because that simply isn't helpful. Know that I take *full* responsibility for my mistakes and shortcomings.
And thanks to all for your support of my fantastic dh!!!!