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Old 07-15-2010, 11:48 AM
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Erato Erato is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Massachusetts, USA
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redsirenn

I see your point, yes. I do have a bit of abandonment issues, which I am working on, but that is most definitely not my motivation for seeking a poly lifestyle. If I feared abandonment that much why would I risk upsetting my partner, who is mono, by suggesting that I need other partners as well? I'd probably just bottle it up if that were the case.

The main issue for me with being 'alone' after a long term mono relationship is the isolation. I became very isolated from friends and family in a relationship when I was younger - he didn't socialise well with my family and I felt responsible for him because I was very co-dependent at the time - so there is that aspect to it. That's not so much a fear as a cautionary concern of mine. It's unlikely to repeat but I could see it potentially happening if I were married, say, 50 years and then my partner passed away. (Maybe I talk to too many lonely elderly people in my job and it's making me paranoid, I honestly don't know.)

But the honest issue behind that 'jokey' answer is that I don't want to regret repressing or compromising part of myself. I'm poly, and this is just my opinion, but if I started expecting one person to fulfill all my needs it would drive us both insane. (I speak from experience there.) I need people: friends, family, lovers, nemeses even! I know that all couples need support but I just have an extra need, I guess. I have a tendency to isolate to begin with which has compounded in the past while in NRE and then formed a habit.

monaural:

Thanks for sharing. It definitely sounds to me that we have different ways of viewing love, for sure. It sounds like you don't have the time, or inclination, for more than one relationship. I make time for people who are important to me. I guess I don't get too much choice in choosing not to have other relationships because it would be so much harder for me to try to avoid them completely forever (and much less rewarding).

Quote:
If I find my heart wandering or start feeling like something's missing, then it's clear I'm either with the wrong person, or something's up in the relationship. Either things get resolved, or we break up, and move on.
I see what you mean with this. My experience is similiar but the opposite also. When I fall for someone else it's usually because I'm happy and secure in my relationship. I get a protective instinct, I guess, that draws me back to my existing partner if things are getting hard (usually). I'm stubborn and willing so I work on things, I just haven't always known how to fix them, and I know the difference between loving two people and falling out of love with one and in love with another. Conversely, I have also strayed for attention but that wasn't about love it was about drama and revenge for feeling neglected (while well in my cups, which is not a good state for an alcoholic to be in).

I had a boyfriend offer that I could sleep with women if I wanted, late in our relationship once he could smell the scent of break-up in the air, and it puzzled me at the time and completely disinterested me. Partly because there was no woman I loved who I wanted to sleep with and partly because I think I was just miserable and wanted out. It was not a healthy relationship but I think we both learnt from it and have moved on.
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