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Old 07-15-2010, 05:31 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Saw a pic of Karma with his girlfriend at Renn Fair from last yr. Just another reminder that the whole world knew but me. Kind of stings a little to be reminded of it. Guess that wound isn't completely healed yet. Makes me wonder what lies were told for him to get away with that one, since we both had season passes. Why wasn't I there? It still hurts to think of all the lies. Why wasn't I respected enough to be told the truth?

Karma and I were supposed to attend a b-day party for the guy I want to date. But apparently since it's his weekend to see his g/f and she and this guy don't get along, I'm going alone. dissapointing. We are going to a pow wow earlier in the day and I was looking forward to ending it together at the party.

And she wants to spend the night with him this weekend as well. Still no sex as I'm still working on trusting her and the whole situation. But it was a bit hard to hear. When I asked how that was going to work given he can't sleep with 3 in the bed, he said he guessed they'd sleep on the couch. I'm not sure why but that bothers me. It bothers me that he'll be only feet away from me, but not in bed with me. I kind of wish my un boyfriend(or whatever the hell he is) and I were a bit further along with things so I could crash there and not have to be here. I don't want to tell Karma he can't do it, but it just feels so weird, and I'm not sure why. I guess I never let myself think about the fact that this meant I'd have nights without him. With my wife, and how I invisoned our poly life, we'd all share the bed. I never really thought of the fact that since we are now a V instead of a triangle, I'd not have him at night. I get it, on an academic level. But on an emotional level it's a bit hard to swollow at the moment.

I guess I was hoping to have saturday as just us, and now it seems the whole weekend is devoted to her. Free time when she's not in school is devoted to her. Our talking time is mostly, but not all, devoted to her and how to help her deal with some things in her past.

I get that she is a part of his life and that she does take up some of his time. Maybe I'm just so used to not having to share (or not knowing I'm sharing) that it's hard to adjust to that. I dunno, but I almost feel like my time with him has to be scheduled in advance because he's gonna pop off outta no where and say they have plans. The advanced notice I asked for seems to be lost in the wind somewhere. I think, ok he hasn't said anything so I'll make plans, honey do you wanna do xyz tomorrow, no I'm gonna see g/f. And I'm left standing there going WTF! I'm ready to start pulling out schedules and time cards.

I get that they haven't had a lot of alone time that doesn't revolve around solving drama, but maybe they should have thought about that a yr ago. I guess I am a little more upset about him backing out of the party than I thought. We'd been talking about going to a party just us, not the three of us, to enjoy some time without hearing people talk (as they love to do when we all go out). I was looking forward to that. Now it's gonna be me, alone. Might as well start the rumors now.

On a lighter side, I have been reading runes for years and am feeling I am about as far with them as I can go and have been wanting to explore tarot. Picked up a deck today that I really like and am looking forward to working with it and learning from it. I seem to be in a very spiritual place lately and am excited to enrich that.
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